Yep. Its a blog!!

I've done it again haven't I?! Left it absolutely ages since I had a whinging session

Well, things have certainly been moving here I can tell you! I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing at the moment or not, but I suppose time will tell.

I told my husband at the weekend that I wanted a divorce. I have never felt so scared - not by him getting angry or anything, but over the finality of such a statement . I went to see a solicitor last week and started divorce proceedings; which is such a hard thing to do when I still love him. I do love him. I know that much. I'm just so unhappy with everything else around us that it is never going to work. He spent the whole weekend blaming my children (no blame attached to his of course!). He came in yesterday though and sat talking to me quite reasonably - he is going to look for a two bedroom flat close to where he works, he has asked if he can take a few bits from the house and whether he would be allowed to have our daughter to stay. I'm relieved in one respect that I can have some time out with my children; nobody to dictate who I can talk to and where I can go; not being accused of not spending enough time with him or not loving him enough, not paying him enough attention - I just feel so drained

Part of me thinks maybe we should go to counselling - but I'm not convinced he would be honest enough to actually get anything dealt with. I'm not convinced I can get over the complete lack of trust he has had in me for years - without any cause (until very recently of course). Maybe getting me feel like this is just another power kick for him, I don't know. Don't get me wrong - I know I love him, but I'm not sure sometimes whether I actually like him as a person!

I've still been seeing my other friend - he just confuses the crap out of me lol. We've got together perhaps half a dozen times now and I'm starting to feel more relaxed about it - but I think the fact that I don't know how he views the whole thing confuses me. I like him. A lot. It bugs me that he will text me or message me that he has a day off and asks whether I'd like to meet up, we meet at his place, spend a couple of hours in the bedroom (definately improving there) then sit and have a coffee and chat for half an hour - then I sort of feel like I'm in the way - I do appreciate the fact that he works full-time and has to fit a lot in on his days off, but then I get total silence for a week or so afterwards. If I send him an email he says he hasn't received anything - so the last coupe of times I haven't bothered - I've gone round there and ignored him until he has contacted me again. He has made comments about coming round mine when I'm single (I wouldn't let him here while my husband was still living here anyway - I couldn't do that), but then there are also comments about him finding somebody to settle down with - and commenting on other peoples photos etc on Facebook. I'm jealous if I'm honest. I'd like the chance to have a proper and honest relationship with him; I suppose I'm not going to know until things are sorted out here. Maybe he will want to start seeing me properly; I know that I won't continue casually seeing him just for sex. How weird is that? I've been seeing him behind my husbands back to feel like I've got a bit of control over something, but am not prepared to continue when I'm single. Bit screwy I suppose. Maybe I view it that if I'm single I want a better deal - I don't know!

Financially things are going to be pretty hard. I'm going to look at doing an IVA with a debt management company - I'm not prepared to argue with the husband over who owes what; most of them are in my name but were for things he wanted/needed, or for his kids - I'm not going to make it really messy by trying to get him to take them over, I'd rather just deal with it and stop everything getting too nasty. I think I'll sit on benefits for a year to finish my degree and spend some quality time with the children, then I'll sort out going back out to work - depends how bored I get I suppose!

For now, I am going to dig out some gardening books so I can learn the difference between proper plants and weeds, get the house sorted how I want it and get my children sorted out. Its not going to be easy but maybe the foggy mess in my head will clear a bit when I've got things here sorted a bit - I won't be worrying about so much and can relax a bit.

Onwards and upwards

Why do we have them? Why can't we just turn them off? There are so many people around the world that just never seem to suffer from caring about others - why do I have to be one of the people that seem to have their share?!

I know that I am falling in love, a little bit at a time, with him. The guy who was supposed to be just a casual sex toy, someone to spend a bit of time with on a boring day. I've only met up with him the twice - the sex was definately better the second time, although I'm know I am not relaxed enough to totally let myself go, it seems that I am obviously a person that needs that 'in a relationship' trust to do that (why, oh why?!!!). He rings me every couple of weeks, and texts me occasionally, forwards all his funny emails to me. Whenever I've been to his place there is that definate 'click' when we talk - and I want him to be mine soooooo much. I sit here and try to tell myself that he's not interested in me that way, that he lives a totally different life to me; he's an outgoing chatty sort of bloke whereas I'm more comfortable in my own little house away from the outside world.

But then, I find myself wondering whether he does actually have some feelings for me and is just being wary because my husband is still here, maybe he does care because he does keep in contact. Its just so confusing :-( I have told him that I had fancied him for years and that I don't just want to be some casual plaything - and he said he was really surprised because he had no idea that I'd ever felt that way.

I make a point of when I'm trying to deal with my marriage to remember that I wanted out before I started seeing him, and that I wanted to be on my own. I don't want to assume that he would be around if I was on my own, wanting a relationship because I know I would be gutted if he wasn't.

My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another.

Maybe I'm just scared of finding out that he has no feelings for me at all - other than a couple of hours worth of touchy-feely time.

Only time will tell I suppose. x

Thats me!!

Over 65 days since I was last on here - how bad is that?!

I do have the excuse that I moved and was without internet (god, how did I manage?!) - then xmas and the kids all at home, but still not enough excuses to cover 65 days!! lol

Well I have a lovely new home - the downstairs is slightly smaller than the last one, but feels warmer and cosy. The kids all have larger bedrooms which they are obviously well impressed with . The husband? Well, he's still here. I have got to get up the courage to deal with this or it is going to go on forever!! He has been making a lot of effort but because I looked at the house with a view to just me and the kids being here I feel sort of robbed that I'm having to share it with him (which is probably very cruel to be honest!).

New year - and I AM going to sort out my life this year!! My oldest daughter is 20 today - that is 20 years of putting my kids first - this year I will start putting me up alongside them and have some time for me!

Hoping that everyone has had a wonderful christmas and my best wishes to all for a very happy 2009!!

With any luck I may be on here a bit more regular - maybe I should make it one of my new years resolutions!!

devilish-angel x

So, I sat there all week trying to sort out in my head what i was going to say to him; how to actually word my request for a separation (didn't think it was too cool to come straight out and ask for a divorce).

By friday i'd given up.  Got my shopping delivered and had ordered a nice one litre bottle of Baileys (it was on special lol).  After consuming all bar about 2mm in the bottom of the bottle things started to get going.  He actually came out and asked me if I wanted to be with him - the ideal opening!  I said 'no', I didn't want to be with him, didn't want to live with him, didn't want to live here, wanted to be on my own, no - there was no-one else.

After he sat there and told me that he wouldn't sign the tenancy over to me (it was my house for ten years before he moved in), and he wanted refunding for the xmas presents i'd brought the kids (wasn't gonna argue over anything like that - i just agreed to get things sorted) he then went to sleep on the sofa .

Now, one would think that after being asked for a separation, blah, blah, blah then the last thing he would do was go to sleep!!

But (and yes, it gets better).  He woke up the next morning (he'd made it to bed) - turned over, kissed me and told me he loved me before getting out of bed .

AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?????!!!!!

He keeps pulling me over to give him hugs - and queries why my arms stay at my sides; why i don't kiss him back?!  I told him quite bluntly today that i had told him what the problem was on friday.  His response?  You came out with a complete load of shit on friday coz you were drunk.

Now, I can either read that as he just didn't believe me; or has such a little amount of respect for my feelings that he chooses to just bulldoze his way over me?  Maybe he thinks if he keeps kissing me I'll change my mind!!  Like a marriage was based on how many times you got kissed ffs!!!!

Very draining having to KEEP explaining myself over and over. 

Back to start again I suppose!!!

I know I have posted about my discreet advertisement - and I did arrange to meet up with somebody;  I didn't have the courage to go through with it.  After a bit of self-analysis I think I have gone down that line because maybe it is the only thing I actually have some control over at the moment in my life.

It was a nice thought; it felt good to be wanted, to be fancied and to feel attractive to another person but when I married my husband I made vows that I never thought I would break.  And I certainly didn't feel that I could just jump into bed with a stranger just to make myself feel better.  I would like to think I had some better standards than that .

The last week or so though I have been in close contact with an old school friend of the male variety.  We went out together when we were, oh, about 14!!  So it was  nothing serious - nothing past a couple of kisses.  We have seen each other occasionally in the primary school playground that our daughters both attended and always spoke to each other; I'd be lying in I said I hadn't looked at him and wondered what it would be like to be with him though . 

Our 'friendship' has gone from being on each others friends list on Facebook to texting each other every day, and chatting on a daily basis.  He is single - he left a 15 year long relationship about  5 or 6 years back and has a young daughter with his ex.  It felt a bit odd at first sending him flirty text messages and pictures; it felt even stranger today when I went to his place.  In one respect I feel so comfortable with him, but in the other, so awkward after so many years of being nothing but passing playground buddies.

He has a pretty time-demanding job, and obviously has to fit in seeing his daughter.  I'm not sure what he is looking for; maybe just a bit of no-strings attached fun.  But as we laid in his bed together (I won't list the finer details), I was really surprised by how much I just enjoyed talking to him - and felt quite sad when I had to leave.  Its not often that I can talk to someone who actually stimulates me  into talking back, asking questions, and being interested enough to listen!!  Call me fickle - but there is a real difference between 'having' to talk and 'wanting' to.  I wanted to.

I had made a point of telling my husband this morning that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue living with him; maybe it was to stop me feeling guilty as I went to meet up with another man while still married.  But I felt I had to say it before I went to meet up with another man. 

I know there is nothing worse than jumping from one man to another - it does not bode well for a relationship.  I know that I need a lot of time to spend with my children and get my own mind and life sorted out, but I think I've met someone who I'd like to share a bit of that time with.  And I didn't think I would.  And now I suppose I'm paranoid that he will now think that if I've met up with him while married I could do it to someone else - which has left me feeling a bit deflated by the whole thing .

My husband has agreed that we need to sit down and talk this weekend - although from my telephone conversation with him earlier all he seems to do is blame our problems on not having enough time alone together with the children around.  I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.  I know that I can't go back now though.

We'll have to see what the weekend brings.....

How do you do it?

How do you actually tell your husband/wife that you don't want to be with them anymore?

Do you sit there while watching Eastenders and say "oh, by the way I've been thinking that I really don't wanna be married to you anymore?"

In my previous long term relationship it wasn't really hard.  We didn't really talk, had nothing in common (other than the kids), didn't really have a laugh.  I do with my husband; we actually get on quite well to be honest - but the more I see recently the more I just don't want to be here.  With him.

The kids are really unhappy - he's always bitching about something to them; we had discussed moving and because he doesn't really want to move away (even though he won't be seen with me in our local area in case the ex-wife is about) he has now said he wants to take everything - now I'm talking shed, laminate flooring, carpets - the lot!!  I think the final straw was yesterday he was cooking dinner (he's not bad at that to be honest) and he dropped the baking tin full of oil for the potatoes over the kitchen carpet.  Now, yes, it was an accident - but!!  he did it a couple of weeks ago and I got the blame (!).  I wasn't even in the room I might add.  It was me that cleared it up while he bleated on about having to replace three carpet tiles at just under two quid each.  So you might think that the next time he took the tin out he'd be a bit more careful.  Obviously  not.  This time he has totally ruined the whole floor.  Did he clear it up? Did he f**k as like .  He stood there and lit a cigarette and just looked at it.  The oil dripping over the whole cooker - top to bottom (the cooker I had only cleaned yesterday morning I might add), flooding over the carpet.

He had a week off a couple of weeks ago - I got totally rat-arsed one night and told him everything that was on my mind.  He sat there looking at me like I'd sprouted another head.  Didn't argue back and hasn't mentioned anything since.  We went out for lunch while he was off and I sat with him outside the pub and explained again (just sober this time lol) what I was getting so upset about and again he hasnt' mentioned it since - I did ask for his input, opinion etc. He just seems to keep burying his head. 

So after a week on constantly being uptight and trying to talk to him I've decided that, much as I love him, I can't live like this anymore.  I want to meet up with friends, I want my friends to feel that they can phone without him getting the arse, my children to feel like they don't have to live in their bedrooms.  No more treading on eggshells on a Sunday afternoon in case he's had one too many at the pub.  No more having to worry about whether there is enough money to pay the rent after he's taken his beer money for the month 'because he's earned it'.

I'm just not quite sure how to actually bring the subject up.  Its not really part of the daily "how has your day been dear" is it??

I said when I first started my blog that I felt it was, in a way, a kind of counselling.  It probably doesn't work for everyone in that way - but it has cleared my mind a little.  Some of that fog is clearing.

Trouble is, that fog is replaced by the knowledge that I need to face up to things and I know that they are going to be really, really hard to actually deal with. 

I don't 'do' difficult or awkward.  There are times when it is definately easier to stick your head in the sand and just ignore everything.  Problem is, when it starts to affect my children I know that I have to deal with it.  And I am dreading it.

I know that I need to move away from the town I live in - I think, in my subconscious I saw it as a temporary move anyway and now I need to move on.

My children are starting to struggle - and I can't bear that.

Maybe its some time for some really hard sorting out.  And I just hope that I don't live to regret the choices I have to make.

Yesterday started like crap I don't mind admitting it. The youngest munchkin that started school last week part-time had her first full day yesterday. I came back in through the front door feeling a bit down but decided I could do better than that! Did the housework, stripped beds, hoovered made a lasagne from scratch - all by 10.30. Then just sat on the stairs and cried

I just sat there thinking off all the hours I now have just stuck in this house. Everytime the husband rang I was offhand and downright rude to be honest I reminded him that when we first got back together I specifically told him I didn't 'do' staying at home. All I kept getting were grunts and moaning that he wouldn't ring me again if I was gonna be so rude (chance would be a fine thing).

The housework seemed to pass even quicker today so I thought rather than spend my time weeping like a twat on the stairs I'd do something more productive

I registered for a contact site for illicit encounters - got talking to an accountant (going up in the world here now!!). We are going to meet up in a couple of weeks. And no, I couldn't give a shite to be honest. If I was allowed out to work then I wouldn't be here on my own constantly thinking and bored rigid. So now I'm going to have some fun - and with any luck some mind-blowing sex

I did a whole posting yesterday then lost the lot   and to be honest I just couldn't be arsed to type it all up again!

Gob started school yesterday.  My last baby  - it felt like the end of something. 

Its a strange feeling.  Sort of lost

I gave up smoking in May but this morning I went and brought a packet of fags.  I'm going to hang out the back door in a minute and bloody enjoy the disgusting thing . 

In a funny sort of way I'm gonna miss being dictated to by a four year old child.

But its gonna be cool being able to turn my music up without being told off for it because she can't hear Peppa Pig!!! Bonus!!!

It all keeps going around my head.

I've decided to do a list - and this is the safest way of keeping it!!

1. I start the last course of my degree in a couple of months. Unfortunately its not the degree I wanted to do - that one involved going away one week a year and I was told I wasn't allowed to go away. I still want to do my earth sciences degree with my residential schools.

2. I want to lose my weight. He doesn't like me going on diets - he has this habit of bringing in chocolate the minute I start one because he knows I cannot leave it sitting there all lonely in the fridge . Trouble is, by stopping me being even slightly attractive to anyone else he is also stopping me being attactive to him - hence he never jumps on top of me (the last time we had sex with him on top was christmas day - how sad that I actually remember!!! ).

3. Finances dictate that I really need to be working full-time but he will not allow me to do this. Quote "you'll be too tired and get stroppy at me and the kids". Like I don't get stroppy when we can't pay the bills!!

4. Sorting out our debts; he came into this marriage with debts which by marrying him I agreed to take on. What I don't agree to is him sticking his head in the sand and ignoring them! Jeez!! You spend the money you pay it back!! He will not even consider debt management or IVA's because then he has to admit he has over £500 a month to spend. About £100 goes on petrol and he spends the rest on beer and fags.

5. I don't like the way he has no time for the children. I have to admit I have told him to his face that he should never have been a parent . You have kids you don't expect them to sit in their rooms from the minute you come in because you nitpick constantly. Out of my five kids, two have left home; my 15 yo daughter avoids him quite a lot and so does my 9 year old - they stay upstairs out of the way when he's in and it never used to be like that. I don't like it . The only place the kiddies have been this summer hols is swimming for one of their birthdays (and he didn't go then!). We used to go out and about all the time

6. I want to move, he doesn't. I hate moving and when we moved over here I thought we could stay but the work that has been done by the HA has been so much hassle (I haven't had one week go by since new year without someone being in or around the house) that it just doesn't feel like our house. He's accusing me of wanting to move him away from his friends (lucky him - he has some!!). Biggest problem with moving is deciding where to go!? I don't want to go into Brighton, the town next to where I am is where his daughter, two sisters and brother live (just NOT lowering myself ), the next one along is where I moved from (my ex used to follow the kids - long story. needed to move), the next one alone is where my ex best friend used to live before she married my ex so not too sure about there and the next one seems to be a possible. That is then about 25 miles from here. Can't bear the thought of moving inland - I like the sea close to me (don't ask me why because I rarely go in it - I just love looking at it!).

I'm almost 40 and I feel like I'm going backwards with my life I want to go forwards. I'm happy to go out to work to have a better standard of living and not have to count the shopping as I pick it up.

So what have I started to do?

Small steps

I've started watching what I eat without making it obvious I'm on a diet; I've started paying little bits of a couple off my debts that have been sitting around; I've made a list of the courses I would need to do to achieve the degree I originally wanted to do. I'm still actively looking for a house exchange in the town he has made it clear he won't move to (I'll deal with that one if something comes up). Small steps but maybe a start.

We'll have to see how it goes over the next few months.