Yep. Its a blog!!

Two days in a row - this must be a record surely??!! lol

Not talking to my parents at the moment. Got to be about six weeks now. Much as I feel I should I just can't bring myself to contact them, I know that there are so many people that would love to have parents that love them and care about them, and believe me, for that I feel quite selfish; but they've really pissed me off!!

I am the oldest of three children, I have two younger brothers - one is a year younger and the other is four years younger. They are both successful, quite well-off and good on them - they've worked for what they have and they have earned it. But why should I have to consistently put up with having it rammed down my throat that I should be more like them? Yes I live in a council house, currently on benefits because I'm separated, but I don't want to go out to work full-time and leave my children with a childminder when I'm quite capable of looking after them myself just to satisfy my mothers snobbish streak when bragging to her golf buddies about how successful her children are!! Basically my mum wants me to be so jealous of them that I'll go out and obtain the same as they have and I don't think jealousy is that healthy to be honest!!

My mother didn't have a good relationship with her own mother - she was one of five children and was quite badly treated so I have spent years swallowing my comments, taking it on the chin and walking away feeling like a pile of poop. What I really, really, really take offence with is her telling my sixteen year old daughter how bad my attitude is, how I should get up and go to work and be more like my brother!! Now the brother I'm talking about is the youngest, he was in the army and believe me he is so arrogant its unreal. He has one child of almost three years old, I've seen her only twice - the last time being when she was six months old. He informed my parents that he didn't see the need to spend time with his family, and for his daughter to spend time with her cousins because they were not the sort of people she would be spending time with when she went to private school. WTF??!! My other brother is the real softie and never rises to an argument but even he took great offence to this. I don't see that I need to be 'like' other people. I'm quite happy being me

I may be confused as hell at the moment with my life, I may be poor, I may be over-weight, I may on occasions be a tad lazy but I don't want to be a carbon copy of anyone!!

My mother has taken this very badly and slightly exaggerated my reaction to my dad, then on top of that she downright lied to him saying it was down to my husband! Now obviously I don't have a great deal of time for him at the moment but fairs fair - he didn't do anything!! I think I'm more hurt by my dads complete lack of response, he is usually the fair one - gathering everyones side of the story and solving everything. The silence is not nice from him. One of my friends has told me that the longer it goes on the worse it is to talk again, but I just don't want to go there at the moment

I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't lie and I'm so tired of being pooped on from a great height from people that profess to love me.

So, at the moment I love that the phone never rings. Silence is certainly golden sometimes.

Highly embarassed to see that it is 117 since my last confession again - I'm really not good at this am I?

Things have definately moved on here which is something positive! Husband left the house a few weeks ago - finally. He was hanging in there for dear life, one day nice as pie, the next like a psycho; it didn't matter who or what was around. I came in one day with the children to find the bedroom door wedged shut - he had put a door wedge and screwdriver under it. After kicking it open (therapeutic admittedly) I found him laid in the bed totally drunk telling me he had taken an overdose. I couldn't believe how selfish this was I told him he had ten minutes to get up and get his butt downstairs before I called am ambulance. He shifted. I couldn't believe that he could even stoop that low - knowing that the children would be coming into the house with me. The last straw was when he threw an ashtray at the mirror above the fireplace smashing it to pieces with our five year old daughter just a couple of feet away - the reason? - because I brought my sixteen year old daughter a hamster!! I packed a bag, took the kids, my laptop and the hamster (!) to a friends for the night. I returned the following day after dropping the two younger ones at school and he turned up about half an hour later having taken the day off work. I informed him that I was waiting for a call from the solicitor to take legal action to get him out of the house. He finally got himself a flat in the next town but is still harassing me daily which is partly my fault if I'm honest

I feel very guilty because I love having the house to myself. I've spent hours cleaning and re-arranging things to my liking, it feels 'mine' and I can relax now. I don't have to worry about the children being out of sight for when he comes in from work, feeding them on chips and rubbish because he won't each vegetables of any kind. Everything feels sort of chilled; the kids are so relaxed its a pleasure to watch them just being themselves.

I went and had a tarot reading in town a couple of weeks ago and was pretty shocked by the results - without giving the woman any information whatsoever she turned the cards and said she could see two men. One was very passionate and loved me to pieces (the scorpio one), the other was quite calm, had lots of layers (she likened him to an onion lol) and we were very comfortable together (the taurus one). I let her do her thing and at the end I asked her if she would like to guess which one was my husband; she said the calm one who I felt comfortable with. She nearly fell off her chair when I said the passionate scorpio. She couldn't understand why we were not together! She said it was like he had me in his hands and his grip on me was so tight that finally I had popped out the top of his grasp. She seemed to think that he is the one I should be with because the passion and love is so deep, whereas the taurus one is more like a comfortable love, the sort of 'running through fields holding hands' kind of relationship. Mmmmmmmm

I'll admit I am at fault with my marriage. I have let myself be dictated to from day one; I shouldn't work here, I shouldn't go there blah, blah, blah and I did it because I don't like the confrontations of arguing about it. I have a real tendency to clam up and come up to a slow boil before blowing. I just don't trust anyone enough to open up and say how I feel without worrying about what they are going to say, and obviously with my husbands violent streak I tend to avoid aggravating him when he's had drink. We did go to a relate session and I seemed to feel like I was making excuses for him being such a selfish arsehole! He consistently turned his back on me while we were talking if I said something he didn't like and that really wound me up - the whole point of going was to be honest and he wasn't being that.

Sooooooo, now I just get phonecalls everyday and take a chance over whether he is sober as to whether he is nice or nasty. I feel very guilty over my other man, but my marriage, in my mind, was over the day I broke my vows (last October). I feel mentally divorced if that doesn't sound too cruel? I love my husband to pieces, when he's sober we get on fine with the exception of how he thinks children just shouldn't be seen nor heard. Trouble is, he doesn't think he has a drink problem and I'm scared of him. I really don't see that as a basis of staying or trying to make our marriage work. Maybe I'm just taking the easy way out.

I have still been seeing my other man, every time I see him I fall a little bit more in love with him but am still not sure what his feelings are. I don't expect him to declare his undying love for me whilst all the other issues of my separation are being dealt with, but at least if I knew he wanted me just a little bit I would feel able to at least ask him for a hug sometimes thats all I need. He has been on his own for about five years now without a 'serious' relationship and I think maybe part of the problem there is his fear of knowing that, with me, it would be a proper relationship. Maybe he's scared of letting go and getting bitten. I am trying to just enjoy the time we spend together. What will be, will be. If he has feelings for me and wants me then he will still be there in a few months when things have calmed down a bit.

It feels so good to just let all that out there is so much other hassle that has gone on I'll have to post again later in the week otherwise this post alone is going to be the size of a book!!

For now I have my house, my children and the dogs, our health and a bottle of vodka for the occasional drink

I've done it again haven't I?! Left it absolutely ages since I had a whinging session

Well, things have certainly been moving here I can tell you! I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing at the moment or not, but I suppose time will tell.

I told my husband at the weekend that I wanted a divorce. I have never felt so scared - not by him getting angry or anything, but over the finality of such a statement . I went to see a solicitor last week and started divorce proceedings; which is such a hard thing to do when I still love him. I do love him. I know that much. I'm just so unhappy with everything else around us that it is never going to work. He spent the whole weekend blaming my children (no blame attached to his of course!). He came in yesterday though and sat talking to me quite reasonably - he is going to look for a two bedroom flat close to where he works, he has asked if he can take a few bits from the house and whether he would be allowed to have our daughter to stay. I'm relieved in one respect that I can have some time out with my children; nobody to dictate who I can talk to and where I can go; not being accused of not spending enough time with him or not loving him enough, not paying him enough attention - I just feel so drained

Part of me thinks maybe we should go to counselling - but I'm not convinced he would be honest enough to actually get anything dealt with. I'm not convinced I can get over the complete lack of trust he has had in me for years - without any cause (until very recently of course). Maybe getting me feel like this is just another power kick for him, I don't know. Don't get me wrong - I know I love him, but I'm not sure sometimes whether I actually like him as a person!

I've still been seeing my other friend - he just confuses the crap out of me lol. We've got together perhaps half a dozen times now and I'm starting to feel more relaxed about it - but I think the fact that I don't know how he views the whole thing confuses me. I like him. A lot. It bugs me that he will text me or message me that he has a day off and asks whether I'd like to meet up, we meet at his place, spend a couple of hours in the bedroom (definately improving there) then sit and have a coffee and chat for half an hour - then I sort of feel like I'm in the way - I do appreciate the fact that he works full-time and has to fit a lot in on his days off, but then I get total silence for a week or so afterwards. If I send him an email he says he hasn't received anything - so the last coupe of times I haven't bothered - I've gone round there and ignored him until he has contacted me again. He has made comments about coming round mine when I'm single (I wouldn't let him here while my husband was still living here anyway - I couldn't do that), but then there are also comments about him finding somebody to settle down with - and commenting on other peoples photos etc on Facebook. I'm jealous if I'm honest. I'd like the chance to have a proper and honest relationship with him; I suppose I'm not going to know until things are sorted out here. Maybe he will want to start seeing me properly; I know that I won't continue casually seeing him just for sex. How weird is that? I've been seeing him behind my husbands back to feel like I've got a bit of control over something, but am not prepared to continue when I'm single. Bit screwy I suppose. Maybe I view it that if I'm single I want a better deal - I don't know!

Financially things are going to be pretty hard. I'm going to look at doing an IVA with a debt management company - I'm not prepared to argue with the husband over who owes what; most of them are in my name but were for things he wanted/needed, or for his kids - I'm not going to make it really messy by trying to get him to take them over, I'd rather just deal with it and stop everything getting too nasty. I think I'll sit on benefits for a year to finish my degree and spend some quality time with the children, then I'll sort out going back out to work - depends how bored I get I suppose!

For now, I am going to dig out some gardening books so I can learn the difference between proper plants and weeds, get the house sorted how I want it and get my children sorted out. Its not going to be easy but maybe the foggy mess in my head will clear a bit when I've got things here sorted a bit - I won't be worrying about so much and can relax a bit.

Onwards and upwards

Why do we have them? Why can't we just turn them off? There are so many people around the world that just never seem to suffer from caring about others - why do I have to be one of the people that seem to have their share?!

I know that I am falling in love, a little bit at a time, with him. The guy who was supposed to be just a casual sex toy, someone to spend a bit of time with on a boring day. I've only met up with him the twice - the sex was definately better the second time, although I'm know I am not relaxed enough to totally let myself go, it seems that I am obviously a person that needs that 'in a relationship' trust to do that (why, oh why?!!!). He rings me every couple of weeks, and texts me occasionally, forwards all his funny emails to me. Whenever I've been to his place there is that definate 'click' when we talk - and I want him to be mine soooooo much. I sit here and try to tell myself that he's not interested in me that way, that he lives a totally different life to me; he's an outgoing chatty sort of bloke whereas I'm more comfortable in my own little house away from the outside world.

But then, I find myself wondering whether he does actually have some feelings for me and is just being wary because my husband is still here, maybe he does care because he does keep in contact. Its just so confusing :-( I have told him that I had fancied him for years and that I don't just want to be some casual plaything - and he said he was really surprised because he had no idea that I'd ever felt that way.

I make a point of when I'm trying to deal with my marriage to remember that I wanted out before I started seeing him, and that I wanted to be on my own. I don't want to assume that he would be around if I was on my own, wanting a relationship because I know I would be gutted if he wasn't.

My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another.

Maybe I'm just scared of finding out that he has no feelings for me at all - other than a couple of hours worth of touchy-feely time.

Only time will tell I suppose. x

Thats me!!

Over 65 days since I was last on here - how bad is that?!

I do have the excuse that I moved and was without internet (god, how did I manage?!) - then xmas and the kids all at home, but still not enough excuses to cover 65 days!! lol

Well I have a lovely new home - the downstairs is slightly smaller than the last one, but feels warmer and cosy. The kids all have larger bedrooms which they are obviously well impressed with . The husband? Well, he's still here. I have got to get up the courage to deal with this or it is going to go on forever!! He has been making a lot of effort but because I looked at the house with a view to just me and the kids being here I feel sort of robbed that I'm having to share it with him (which is probably very cruel to be honest!).

New year - and I AM going to sort out my life this year!! My oldest daughter is 20 today - that is 20 years of putting my kids first - this year I will start putting me up alongside them and have some time for me!

Hoping that everyone has had a wonderful christmas and my best wishes to all for a very happy 2009!!

With any luck I may be on here a bit more regular - maybe I should make it one of my new years resolutions!!

devilish-angel x

So, I sat there all week trying to sort out in my head what i was going to say to him; how to actually word my request for a separation (didn't think it was too cool to come straight out and ask for a divorce).

By friday i'd given up.  Got my shopping delivered and had ordered a nice one litre bottle of Baileys (it was on special lol).  After consuming all bar about 2mm in the bottom of the bottle things started to get going.  He actually came out and asked me if I wanted to be with him - the ideal opening!  I said 'no', I didn't want to be with him, didn't want to live with him, didn't want to live here, wanted to be on my own, no - there was no-one else.

After he sat there and told me that he wouldn't sign the tenancy over to me (it was my house for ten years before he moved in), and he wanted refunding for the xmas presents i'd brought the kids (wasn't gonna argue over anything like that - i just agreed to get things sorted) he then went to sleep on the sofa .

Now, one would think that after being asked for a separation, blah, blah, blah then the last thing he would do was go to sleep!!

But (and yes, it gets better).  He woke up the next morning (he'd made it to bed) - turned over, kissed me and told me he loved me before getting out of bed .

AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?????!!!!!

He keeps pulling me over to give him hugs - and queries why my arms stay at my sides; why i don't kiss him back?!  I told him quite bluntly today that i had told him what the problem was on friday.  His response?  You came out with a complete load of shit on friday coz you were drunk.

Now, I can either read that as he just didn't believe me; or has such a little amount of respect for my feelings that he chooses to just bulldoze his way over me?  Maybe he thinks if he keeps kissing me I'll change my mind!!  Like a marriage was based on how many times you got kissed ffs!!!!

Very draining having to KEEP explaining myself over and over. 

Back to start again I suppose!!!

I know I have posted about my discreet advertisement - and I did arrange to meet up with somebody;  I didn't have the courage to go through with it.  After a bit of self-analysis I think I have gone down that line because maybe it is the only thing I actually have some control over at the moment in my life.

It was a nice thought; it felt good to be wanted, to be fancied and to feel attractive to another person but when I married my husband I made vows that I never thought I would break.  And I certainly didn't feel that I could just jump into bed with a stranger just to make myself feel better.  I would like to think I had some better standards than that .

The last week or so though I have been in close contact with an old school friend of the male variety.  We went out together when we were, oh, about 14!!  So it was  nothing serious - nothing past a couple of kisses.  We have seen each other occasionally in the primary school playground that our daughters both attended and always spoke to each other; I'd be lying in I said I hadn't looked at him and wondered what it would be like to be with him though . 

Our 'friendship' has gone from being on each others friends list on Facebook to texting each other every day, and chatting on a daily basis.  He is single - he left a 15 year long relationship about  5 or 6 years back and has a young daughter with his ex.  It felt a bit odd at first sending him flirty text messages and pictures; it felt even stranger today when I went to his place.  In one respect I feel so comfortable with him, but in the other, so awkward after so many years of being nothing but passing playground buddies.

He has a pretty time-demanding job, and obviously has to fit in seeing his daughter.  I'm not sure what he is looking for; maybe just a bit of no-strings attached fun.  But as we laid in his bed together (I won't list the finer details), I was really surprised by how much I just enjoyed talking to him - and felt quite sad when I had to leave.  Its not often that I can talk to someone who actually stimulates me  into talking back, asking questions, and being interested enough to listen!!  Call me fickle - but there is a real difference between 'having' to talk and 'wanting' to.  I wanted to.

I had made a point of telling my husband this morning that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue living with him; maybe it was to stop me feeling guilty as I went to meet up with another man while still married.  But I felt I had to say it before I went to meet up with another man. 

I know there is nothing worse than jumping from one man to another - it does not bode well for a relationship.  I know that I need a lot of time to spend with my children and get my own mind and life sorted out, but I think I've met someone who I'd like to share a bit of that time with.  And I didn't think I would.  And now I suppose I'm paranoid that he will now think that if I've met up with him while married I could do it to someone else - which has left me feeling a bit deflated by the whole thing .

My husband has agreed that we need to sit down and talk this weekend - although from my telephone conversation with him earlier all he seems to do is blame our problems on not having enough time alone together with the children around.  I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.  I know that I can't go back now though.

We'll have to see what the weekend brings.....

How do you do it?

How do you actually tell your husband/wife that you don't want to be with them anymore?

Do you sit there while watching Eastenders and say "oh, by the way I've been thinking that I really don't wanna be married to you anymore?"

In my previous long term relationship it wasn't really hard.  We didn't really talk, had nothing in common (other than the kids), didn't really have a laugh.  I do with my husband; we actually get on quite well to be honest - but the more I see recently the more I just don't want to be here.  With him.

The kids are really unhappy - he's always bitching about something to them; we had discussed moving and because he doesn't really want to move away (even though he won't be seen with me in our local area in case the ex-wife is about) he has now said he wants to take everything - now I'm talking shed, laminate flooring, carpets - the lot!!  I think the final straw was yesterday he was cooking dinner (he's not bad at that to be honest) and he dropped the baking tin full of oil for the potatoes over the kitchen carpet.  Now, yes, it was an accident - but!!  he did it a couple of weeks ago and I got the blame (!).  I wasn't even in the room I might add.  It was me that cleared it up while he bleated on about having to replace three carpet tiles at just under two quid each.  So you might think that the next time he took the tin out he'd be a bit more careful.  Obviously  not.  This time he has totally ruined the whole floor.  Did he clear it up? Did he f**k as like .  He stood there and lit a cigarette and just looked at it.  The oil dripping over the whole cooker - top to bottom (the cooker I had only cleaned yesterday morning I might add), flooding over the carpet.

He had a week off a couple of weeks ago - I got totally rat-arsed one night and told him everything that was on my mind.  He sat there looking at me like I'd sprouted another head.  Didn't argue back and hasn't mentioned anything since.  We went out for lunch while he was off and I sat with him outside the pub and explained again (just sober this time lol) what I was getting so upset about and again he hasnt' mentioned it since - I did ask for his input, opinion etc. He just seems to keep burying his head. 

So after a week on constantly being uptight and trying to talk to him I've decided that, much as I love him, I can't live like this anymore.  I want to meet up with friends, I want my friends to feel that they can phone without him getting the arse, my children to feel like they don't have to live in their bedrooms.  No more treading on eggshells on a Sunday afternoon in case he's had one too many at the pub.  No more having to worry about whether there is enough money to pay the rent after he's taken his beer money for the month 'because he's earned it'.

I'm just not quite sure how to actually bring the subject up.  Its not really part of the daily "how has your day been dear" is it??

I said when I first started my blog that I felt it was, in a way, a kind of counselling.  It probably doesn't work for everyone in that way - but it has cleared my mind a little.  Some of that fog is clearing.

Trouble is, that fog is replaced by the knowledge that I need to face up to things and I know that they are going to be really, really hard to actually deal with. 

I don't 'do' difficult or awkward.  There are times when it is definately easier to stick your head in the sand and just ignore everything.  Problem is, when it starts to affect my children I know that I have to deal with it.  And I am dreading it.

I know that I need to move away from the town I live in - I think, in my subconscious I saw it as a temporary move anyway and now I need to move on.

My children are starting to struggle - and I can't bear that.

Maybe its some time for some really hard sorting out.  And I just hope that I don't live to regret the choices I have to make.

Yesterday started like crap I don't mind admitting it. The youngest munchkin that started school last week part-time had her first full day yesterday. I came back in through the front door feeling a bit down but decided I could do better than that! Did the housework, stripped beds, hoovered made a lasagne from scratch - all by 10.30. Then just sat on the stairs and cried

I just sat there thinking off all the hours I now have just stuck in this house. Everytime the husband rang I was offhand and downright rude to be honest I reminded him that when we first got back together I specifically told him I didn't 'do' staying at home. All I kept getting were grunts and moaning that he wouldn't ring me again if I was gonna be so rude (chance would be a fine thing).

The housework seemed to pass even quicker today so I thought rather than spend my time weeping like a twat on the stairs I'd do something more productive

I registered for a contact site for illicit encounters - got talking to an accountant (going up in the world here now!!). We are going to meet up in a couple of weeks. And no, I couldn't give a shite to be honest. If I was allowed out to work then I wouldn't be here on my own constantly thinking and bored rigid. So now I'm going to have some fun - and with any luck some mind-blowing sex