Now the reason I started with Mr P (the ex) is because I'm really not sure whether what happened with him has been the basis for the way my life has gone - or whether it was me. Now obviously I know that some of it was down to me because he wasn't around to be a part of decisions I made as I got older - but I do sometimes wonder if things had gone a little different with him whether I would have followed a slightly different course (if you know what I mean!!).

My parents went absolutely bloody balistic over my being pregnant; it was ugly. There was no-one I could actually talk about the situation. Obviously I knew that I didn't want a child at 16 (although if I'd have know I could have been housed and got benefits I may have considered it), I knew that I couldn't have gone through a pregnancy to give the child away for adoption, and I certainly didn't want a termination. As it happened the decision was taken out of my hands; probably a good thing in hindsight. I started bleeding - badly. I miscarried at home. My parents were relieved - sorry, but I've always made a very conscious effort to be very different with my children - even if its something I think they've done wrong. I've made a huge effort to try and put myself in their shoes which is something I don't believe my parents attempted to done even once. They were hurtful, nasty and pretty much cold over the whole thing. Over twenty years down the line if I went to my parents today and asked them about it they would say I deserved what happened and I shouldn't have been such a slut. A little piece of me and never forgotten and certainly not forgiven.

I had to go to hospital as it was classed as an incomplete miscarriage - what I still find insulting to be honest is that they call it an 'incomplete abortion' - like it was what I chose to happen!!

I attended the same college as Mr P on day release. We had split up and he didn't seem to want to get back together. I was absolutely heartbroken - I loved him to bits. He moved away about two years later with his family to another part of the country and even though all of this happened absolutely years ago he still has a piece of my heart (yep, that is just so bloody soppy isn't it?). I never knew if he was faithful to me; there seemed to be an awful lot of people telling me that he wasn't and in some ways the bitterness I felt because by that time I believed he hadn't - and the fact he hadn't been around while I'd been going through so much helped a little way towards getting over him. It threw me a bit recently when he added me as a friend on Facebook - oh my little heart just pounds at the thought of him (do you think maybe I still love him just a little? I'm not sure!). He is tall, dark and very handsome. Of course he's married now - to a lawyer; he sent me some pictures. The wife is a very pretty red head and they have the standard two children (boy and girl) - very sweet kids.

We started talking on Facebook then MSN and he swore blind he had never been unfaithful to me and that he regretted what had happened. A lot of it had been down to me not contacting him, his pride wouldn't let him back down and get back together with me. It felt like someone had whipped out the rug from underneath my feet - I had spent so many years hating him for being unfaithful and not being there for me; and here he was telling me I was wrong. It has confused me. A lot.

But then, because confusing the hell out of me wasn't enough, he started flirting and telling me that he wanted to meet up for a coffee - and get this - we'd never had oral sex and surely it was something we should rectify!! WTF??!! When we were seeing each other I was a fantastic looking size 10 - I'm now an 18. After a few kids it just isn't pretty. Things have stretched, sagged and some of them are just downright ugly. I sent him a couple of pictures - that shut him up for a while LOL. He still confuses me though. Sometimes he sends me dirty little comments on Facebook; there is an application to send dirty thoughts and actions - I've received a pretty good variety but I'm not the only one. He has admitted that he hasn't been faithful to his wife. I'm thinking maybe I could be a convenient bunk-up when he's in the area (his parents moved back down here). Trouble is, it is so bloody tempting.

I've looked the pictures of his kids so many times; it makes me wonder what our child would have looked like. He/she would have probably had his brown eyes, and we've both got dark brown hair. He's got very slightly darker olive coloured skin too, so it would have been a beautiful child. My children are pretty good looking (if I say so myself!) and his are too. We would have had a stunning child.

I'm too scared to meet with him. He has a very good job, is obviously very well off. I'm sat here in my council house with a husband that drinks and smokes too much. We struggle to pay the bills each month and its embarassing! Mr P and myself used to be on the same level - now he's far, far higher than I am and I don't know if I want to look him in the face knowing that. He's 'matured', I've expanded. I don't know if I could bear it.

And I think the biggest problem of all is if he can still makes my heart beat so fast it is only going to result in me feeling hurt all over again. I don't know if I could bear feeling like that again.