What can I say about my husband?

When we met he was seeing someone, I was seeing someone. I found out I was pregnant at the same time that Mr C was about to move into his first flat. He stood in front of me and offered not to go through with signing the papers if I wanted to have a relationship with him. I stood there knowing that I was pregnant by another man. I told him we couldn't have that sort of relationship. That was February 1987. Mr C moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mr P broke up and a few months later I started seeing Mr G, we got on ok but that attraction to Mr C was still there - it wasn't long before we were seeing each other again; walking to the station, pub at lunchtime that sort of thing. We first slept together in December 1987. I fell pregnant again in about April 1987 (Mr G and I thought it was a good idea one night - and that was all it took). Mr C's girlfriend fell pregnant at the same time; at least she was 100% sure it was his :-/. I had moved out of home by this time due to the hassle from the parents so I had no idea what I was going to do; at my parents suggestion I moved back and planned to marry Mr G.

One of the most painful memories was the night before I moved away. I spent the night at Mr C's flat (his girlfriend was at work - and no, it just didn't cross my mind that it was wrong somehow!). We had the most wonderful evening; he was so loving and caring. The next morning he begged me not to move; he cried (and I've not often seen that!). The way I saw it was that he wasn't offering to leave his girlfriend and I didn't want to be the bit on the side for years. He rang me on my wedding day to Mr G. The marriage didn't last long - me and Mr G still get on; we get on very well to be honest, I have a lot of feelings and care for him a lot - but I don't love him. He's happily remarried and has provided our daughter with two youngers brothers that she loves to hate!

I moved back down here in the October 1989. I didn't move - I ran away. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I was still living at my parents with Mr G and our daughter - I couldn't cope with it anymore and packed up the car one day and came back down here with her. I went back to work at the same place as Mr C but things were never the same - we didn't sleep together and although we still stared at each other and probably both wanted each other we just didn't go there.

I had a couple of short relationships then a 12 year long one. I ended that one in June 2002 - he was an alcoholic; he was more mentally abusive that physically but I had four children by that time. I was working full-time had the kids in school and childcare and was doing quite well. I had started a degree a few years before and was enjoying using my brain and having a social life. My best friend was the only issue I had - although I must admit I didn't realise it at the time. She was a very negative person who derived pleasure from being above everyone else; I quite often used to go to her house and end up doing her housework, she'd try and talk me into taking out loans she knew I couldn't afford, things that I can look back and see but at the time she seemed like a pillar of support :**:

I received an email in September 2002 from Mr C through Friends Reunited - well, you could have knocked me down with a feather! I went from annoyance at him having the nerve - to dizzy pleasure! After a week of dithering over whether to answer or not (I was on holiday with the kids) I replied when I got home. I had been driving for eight hours straight and after a couple of hours he was on his way over - it was like 2am! I slept with him that night (yeah, yeah - I hadn't had it in a while - and a girls got needs!! :DD). He started coming over everyday after work and never wanted to leave. One weekend I couldn't get hold of him and started to worry that something had happened. He rang me at about 8pm sounding like he was crying; when I asked what was wrong he told me that he had just left his wife. I asked where he was and he said he was on his over! Helloo!!?? I felt a bit stumped to be honest. He hadn't told me he was going to leave her, didn't ask if I wanted a live-in boyfriend - jeez, I'd not long got rid of one! I felt a bit >:XXoff to be honest. I was enjoying a relationship without the laundry, the bills, arguments etc.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well we got on - he didn't tell his ex he had been seeing someone (I certainly didn't see the need to rub her nose in it). He kept his family away from me and my kids for almost a year until the divorce was almost done and dusted. He gave her the family home (which she promptly sold and spent), she kicked two of their three kids out so we ended up with them for a couple of years. We had our own child - we felt we wanted the one between us after our history. He does adore me; he drinks too much, smokes too much, does a mean job of sticking his head in the sand when it comes to bills and money (he had money and a house - now he's broke and living in social housing) - but he helps with the housework, tells me he loves me everyday without fail, kisses me good morning and good night, will defend me to the end and the sex is quite often absolutely fantastic (not even I expect mind-blowing absolutely every time!!).

Trouble is, he's also very possessive. He would have preferred me to give up my studying - I was quite lucky I had already covered that one before he moved in. He was told quite bluntly that no man would ever stop me studying again; he tried once and since I suggested he walk he hasn't done it again. He drew the line at me going on a summer school for a course - that was a definite 'you go, I leave' scenario. I don't go out with friends; I still have a couple but not like I used to, its not worth the hassle or the arguments. He doesn't want me to work although we could really do with the money. He's been violent about three times - I don't think he quite realised how much I could argue back ;) the last time I packed my bag in front of him and walked straight out with the kids and to give him his due he hasn't touched me like that for way over a year.

I love him. He still makes my heart flutter. And yet - I feel like I'm compromising being happy and having a life. If I go out to work I lose him. I don't like arguing with him; I don't consider myself a nasty person and I don't like being heartless. Maybe thats what leaves me wide open to being stuck here. And yet I don't want to be without him :no: