Yep. Its a blog!!

I said when I first started my blog that I felt it was, in a way, a kind of counselling.  It probably doesn't work for everyone in that way - but it has cleared my mind a little.  Some of that fog is clearing.

Trouble is, that fog is replaced by the knowledge that I need to face up to things and I know that they are going to be really, really hard to actually deal with. 

I don't 'do' difficult or awkward.  There are times when it is definately easier to stick your head in the sand and just ignore everything.  Problem is, when it starts to affect my children I know that I have to deal with it.  And I am dreading it.

I know that I need to move away from the town I live in - I think, in my subconscious I saw it as a temporary move anyway and now I need to move on.

My children are starting to struggle - and I can't bear that.

Maybe its some time for some really hard sorting out.  And I just hope that I don't live to regret the choices I have to make.

Yesterday started like crap I don't mind admitting it. The youngest munchkin that started school last week part-time had her first full day yesterday. I came back in through the front door feeling a bit down but decided I could do better than that! Did the housework, stripped beds, hoovered made a lasagne from scratch - all by 10.30. Then just sat on the stairs and cried

I just sat there thinking off all the hours I now have just stuck in this house. Everytime the husband rang I was offhand and downright rude to be honest I reminded him that when we first got back together I specifically told him I didn't 'do' staying at home. All I kept getting were grunts and moaning that he wouldn't ring me again if I was gonna be so rude (chance would be a fine thing).

The housework seemed to pass even quicker today so I thought rather than spend my time weeping like a twat on the stairs I'd do something more productive

I registered for a contact site for illicit encounters - got talking to an accountant (going up in the world here now!!). We are going to meet up in a couple of weeks. And no, I couldn't give a shite to be honest. If I was allowed out to work then I wouldn't be here on my own constantly thinking and bored rigid. So now I'm going to have some fun - and with any luck some mind-blowing sex

I did a whole posting yesterday then lost the lot   and to be honest I just couldn't be arsed to type it all up again!

Gob started school yesterday.  My last baby  - it felt like the end of something. 

Its a strange feeling.  Sort of lost

I gave up smoking in May but this morning I went and brought a packet of fags.  I'm going to hang out the back door in a minute and bloody enjoy the disgusting thing . 

In a funny sort of way I'm gonna miss being dictated to by a four year old child.

But its gonna be cool being able to turn my music up without being told off for it because she can't hear Peppa Pig!!! Bonus!!!

It all keeps going around my head.

I've decided to do a list - and this is the safest way of keeping it!!

1. I start the last course of my degree in a couple of months. Unfortunately its not the degree I wanted to do - that one involved going away one week a year and I was told I wasn't allowed to go away. I still want to do my earth sciences degree with my residential schools.

2. I want to lose my weight. He doesn't like me going on diets - he has this habit of bringing in chocolate the minute I start one because he knows I cannot leave it sitting there all lonely in the fridge . Trouble is, by stopping me being even slightly attractive to anyone else he is also stopping me being attactive to him - hence he never jumps on top of me (the last time we had sex with him on top was christmas day - how sad that I actually remember!!! ).

3. Finances dictate that I really need to be working full-time but he will not allow me to do this. Quote "you'll be too tired and get stroppy at me and the kids". Like I don't get stroppy when we can't pay the bills!!

4. Sorting out our debts; he came into this marriage with debts which by marrying him I agreed to take on. What I don't agree to is him sticking his head in the sand and ignoring them! Jeez!! You spend the money you pay it back!! He will not even consider debt management or IVA's because then he has to admit he has over £500 a month to spend. About £100 goes on petrol and he spends the rest on beer and fags.

5. I don't like the way he has no time for the children. I have to admit I have told him to his face that he should never have been a parent . You have kids you don't expect them to sit in their rooms from the minute you come in because you nitpick constantly. Out of my five kids, two have left home; my 15 yo daughter avoids him quite a lot and so does my 9 year old - they stay upstairs out of the way when he's in and it never used to be like that. I don't like it . The only place the kiddies have been this summer hols is swimming for one of their birthdays (and he didn't go then!). We used to go out and about all the time

6. I want to move, he doesn't. I hate moving and when we moved over here I thought we could stay but the work that has been done by the HA has been so much hassle (I haven't had one week go by since new year without someone being in or around the house) that it just doesn't feel like our house. He's accusing me of wanting to move him away from his friends (lucky him - he has some!!). Biggest problem with moving is deciding where to go!? I don't want to go into Brighton, the town next to where I am is where his daughter, two sisters and brother live (just NOT lowering myself ), the next one along is where I moved from (my ex used to follow the kids - long story. needed to move), the next one alone is where my ex best friend used to live before she married my ex so not too sure about there and the next one seems to be a possible. That is then about 25 miles from here. Can't bear the thought of moving inland - I like the sea close to me (don't ask me why because I rarely go in it - I just love looking at it!).

I'm almost 40 and I feel like I'm going backwards with my life I want to go forwards. I'm happy to go out to work to have a better standard of living and not have to count the shopping as I pick it up.

So what have I started to do?

Small steps

I've started watching what I eat without making it obvious I'm on a diet; I've started paying little bits of a couple off my debts that have been sitting around; I've made a list of the courses I would need to do to achieve the degree I originally wanted to do. I'm still actively looking for a house exchange in the town he has made it clear he won't move to (I'll deal with that one if something comes up). Small steps but maybe a start.

We'll have to see how it goes over the next few months.