I know I have posted about my discreet advertisement - and I did arrange to meet up with somebody;  I didn't have the courage to go through with it.  After a bit of self-analysis I think I have gone down that line because maybe it is the only thing I actually have some control over at the moment in my life.

It was a nice thought; it felt good to be wanted, to be fancied and to feel attractive to another person but when I married my husband I made vows that I never thought I would break.  And I certainly didn't feel that I could just jump into bed with a stranger just to make myself feel better.  I would like to think I had some better standards than that .

The last week or so though I have been in close contact with an old school friend of the male variety.  We went out together when we were, oh, about 14!!  So it was  nothing serious - nothing past a couple of kisses.  We have seen each other occasionally in the primary school playground that our daughters both attended and always spoke to each other; I'd be lying in I said I hadn't looked at him and wondered what it would be like to be with him though . 

Our 'friendship' has gone from being on each others friends list on Facebook to texting each other every day, and chatting on a daily basis.  He is single - he left a 15 year long relationship about  5 or 6 years back and has a young daughter with his ex.  It felt a bit odd at first sending him flirty text messages and pictures; it felt even stranger today when I went to his place.  In one respect I feel so comfortable with him, but in the other, so awkward after so many years of being nothing but passing playground buddies.

He has a pretty time-demanding job, and obviously has to fit in seeing his daughter.  I'm not sure what he is looking for; maybe just a bit of no-strings attached fun.  But as we laid in his bed together (I won't list the finer details), I was really surprised by how much I just enjoyed talking to him - and felt quite sad when I had to leave.  Its not often that I can talk to someone who actually stimulates me  into talking back, asking questions, and being interested enough to listen!!  Call me fickle - but there is a real difference between 'having' to talk and 'wanting' to.  I wanted to.

I had made a point of telling my husband this morning that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue living with him; maybe it was to stop me feeling guilty as I went to meet up with another man while still married.  But I felt I had to say it before I went to meet up with another man. 

I know there is nothing worse than jumping from one man to another - it does not bode well for a relationship.  I know that I need a lot of time to spend with my children and get my own mind and life sorted out, but I think I've met someone who I'd like to share a bit of that time with.  And I didn't think I would.  And now I suppose I'm paranoid that he will now think that if I've met up with him while married I could do it to someone else - which has left me feeling a bit deflated by the whole thing .

My husband has agreed that we need to sit down and talk this weekend - although from my telephone conversation with him earlier all he seems to do is blame our problems on not having enough time alone together with the children around.  I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.  I know that I can't go back now though.

We'll have to see what the weekend brings.....