Why do we have them? Why can't we just turn them off? There are so many people around the world that just never seem to suffer from caring about others - why do I have to be one of the people that seem to have their share?!
I know that I am falling in love, a little bit at a time, with him. The guy who was supposed to be just a casual sex toy, someone to spend a bit of time with on a boring day. I've only met up with him the twice - the sex was definately better the second time, although I'm know I am not relaxed enough to totally let myself go, it seems that I am obviously a person that needs that 'in a relationship' trust to do that (why, oh why?!!!). He rings me every couple of weeks, and texts me occasionally, forwards all his funny emails to me. Whenever I've been to his place there is that definate 'click' when we talk - and I want him to be mine soooooo much. I sit here and try to tell myself that he's not interested in me that way, that he lives a totally different life to me; he's an outgoing chatty sort of bloke whereas I'm more comfortable in my own little house away from the outside world.
But then, I find myself wondering whether he does actually have some feelings for me and is just being wary because my husband is still here, maybe he does care because he does keep in contact. Its just so confusing :-( I have told him that I had fancied him for years and that I don't just want to be some casual plaything - and he said he was really surprised because he had no idea that I'd ever felt that way.
I make a point of when I'm trying to deal with my marriage to remember that I wanted out before I started seeing him, and that I wanted to be on my own. I don't want to assume that he would be around if I was on my own, wanting a relationship because I know I would be gutted if he wasn't.
My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another.
Maybe I'm just scared of finding out that he has no feelings for me at all - other than a couple of hours worth of touchy-feely time.
Only time will tell I suppose. x
. The husband? Well, he's still here. I have got to get up the courage to deal with this or it is going to go on forever!! He has been making a lot of effort but because I looked at the house with a view to just me and the kids being here I feel sort of robbed that I'm having to share it with him (which is probably very cruel to be honest!).
