I've done it again haven't I?! Left it absolutely ages since I had a whinging session 
Well, things have certainly been moving here I can tell you! I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing at the moment or not, but I suppose time will tell.
I told my husband at the weekend that I wanted a divorce. I have never felt so scared - not by him getting angry or anything, but over the finality of such a statement 
. I went to see a solicitor last week and started divorce proceedings; which is such a hard thing to do when I still love him. I do love him. I know that much. I'm just so unhappy with everything else around us that it is never going to work. He spent the whole weekend blaming my children (no blame attached to his of course!). He came in yesterday though and sat talking to me quite reasonably - he is going to look for a two bedroom flat close to where he works, he has asked if he can take a few bits from the house and whether he would be allowed to have our daughter to stay. I'm relieved in one respect that I can have some time out with my children; nobody to dictate who I can talk to and where I can go; not being accused of not spending enough time with him or not loving him enough, not paying him enough attention - I just feel so drained 
Part of me thinks maybe we should go to counselling - but I'm not convinced he would be honest enough to actually get anything dealt with. I'm not convinced I can get over the complete lack of trust he has had in me for years - without any cause (until very recently of course). Maybe getting me feel like this is just another power kick for him, I don't know. Don't get me wrong - I know I love him, but I'm not sure sometimes whether I actually like him as a person!
I've still been seeing my other friend - he just confuses the crap out of me lol. We've got together perhaps half a dozen times now and I'm starting to feel more relaxed about it - but I think the fact that I don't know how he views the whole thing confuses me. I like him. A lot. It bugs me that he will text me or message me that he has a day off and asks whether I'd like to meet up, we meet at his place, spend a couple of hours in the bedroom (definately improving there) then sit and have a coffee and chat for half an hour - then I sort of feel like I'm in the way - I do appreciate the fact that he works full-time and has to fit a lot in on his days off, but then I get total silence for a week or so afterwards. If I send him an email he says he hasn't received anything - so the last coupe of times I haven't bothered - I've gone round there and ignored him until he has contacted me again. He has made comments about coming round mine when I'm single (I wouldn't let him here while my husband was still living here anyway - I couldn't do that), but then there are also comments about him finding somebody to settle down with - and commenting on other peoples photos etc on Facebook. I'm jealous if I'm honest. I'd like the chance to have a proper and honest relationship with him; I suppose I'm not going to know until things are sorted out here. Maybe he will want to start seeing me properly; I know that I won't continue casually seeing him just for sex. How weird is that? I've been seeing him behind my husbands back to feel like I've got a bit of control over something, but am not prepared to continue when I'm single. Bit screwy I suppose. Maybe I view it that if I'm single I want a better deal - I don't know! 
Financially things are going to be pretty hard. I'm going to look at doing an IVA with a debt management company - I'm not prepared to argue with the husband over who owes what; most of them are in my name but were for things he wanted/needed, or for his kids - I'm not going to make it really messy by trying to get him to take them over, I'd rather just deal with it and stop everything getting too nasty. I think I'll sit on benefits for a year to finish my degree and spend some quality time with the children, then I'll sort out going back out to work - depends how bored I get I suppose!
For now, I am going to dig out some gardening books so I can learn the difference between proper plants and weeds, get the house sorted how I want it and get my children sorted out. Its not going to be easy but maybe the foggy mess in my head will clear a bit when I've got things here sorted a bit - I won't be worrying about so much and can relax a bit.
Onwards and upwards
