Home Alone....

Highly embarassed to see that it is 117 since my last confession again - I'm really not good at this am I?

Things have definately moved on here which is something positive! Husband left the house a few weeks ago - finally. He was hanging in there for dear life, one day nice as pie, the next like a psycho; it didn't matter who or what was around. I came in one day with the children to find the bedroom door wedged shut - he had put a door wedge and screwdriver under it. After kicking it open (therapeutic admittedly) I found him laid in the bed totally drunk telling me he had taken an overdose. I couldn't believe how selfish this was I told him he had ten minutes to get up and get his butt downstairs before I called am ambulance. He shifted. I couldn't believe that he could even stoop that low - knowing that the children would be coming into the house with me. The last straw was when he threw an ashtray at the mirror above the fireplace smashing it to pieces with our five year old daughter just a couple of feet away - the reason? - because I brought my sixteen year old daughter a hamster!! I packed a bag, took the kids, my laptop and the hamster (!) to a friends for the night. I returned the following day after dropping the two younger ones at school and he turned up about half an hour later having taken the day off work. I informed him that I was waiting for a call from the solicitor to take legal action to get him out of the house. He finally got himself a flat in the next town but is still harassing me daily which is partly my fault if I'm honest

I feel very guilty because I love having the house to myself. I've spent hours cleaning and re-arranging things to my liking, it feels 'mine' and I can relax now. I don't have to worry about the children being out of sight for when he comes in from work, feeding them on chips and rubbish because he won't each vegetables of any kind. Everything feels sort of chilled; the kids are so relaxed its a pleasure to watch them just being themselves.

I went and had a tarot reading in town a couple of weeks ago and was pretty shocked by the results - without giving the woman any information whatsoever she turned the cards and said she could see two men. One was very passionate and loved me to pieces (the scorpio one), the other was quite calm, had lots of layers (she likened him to an onion lol) and we were very comfortable together (the taurus one). I let her do her thing and at the end I asked her if she would like to guess which one was my husband; she said the calm one who I felt comfortable with. She nearly fell off her chair when I said the passionate scorpio. She couldn't understand why we were not together! She said it was like he had me in his hands and his grip on me was so tight that finally I had popped out the top of his grasp. She seemed to think that he is the one I should be with because the passion and love is so deep, whereas the taurus one is more like a comfortable love, the sort of 'running through fields holding hands' kind of relationship. Mmmmmmmm

I'll admit I am at fault with my marriage. I have let myself be dictated to from day one; I shouldn't work here, I shouldn't go there blah, blah, blah and I did it because I don't like the confrontations of arguing about it. I have a real tendency to clam up and come up to a slow boil before blowing. I just don't trust anyone enough to open up and say how I feel without worrying about what they are going to say, and obviously with my husbands violent streak I tend to avoid aggravating him when he's had drink. We did go to a relate session and I seemed to feel like I was making excuses for him being such a selfish arsehole! He consistently turned his back on me while we were talking if I said something he didn't like and that really wound me up - the whole point of going was to be honest and he wasn't being that.

Sooooooo, now I just get phonecalls everyday and take a chance over whether he is sober as to whether he is nice or nasty. I feel very guilty over my other man, but my marriage, in my mind, was over the day I broke my vows (last October). I feel mentally divorced if that doesn't sound too cruel? I love my husband to pieces, when he's sober we get on fine with the exception of how he thinks children just shouldn't be seen nor heard. Trouble is, he doesn't think he has a drink problem and I'm scared of him. I really don't see that as a basis of staying or trying to make our marriage work. Maybe I'm just taking the easy way out.

I have still been seeing my other man, every time I see him I fall a little bit more in love with him but am still not sure what his feelings are. I don't expect him to declare his undying love for me whilst all the other issues of my separation are being dealt with, but at least if I knew he wanted me just a little bit I would feel able to at least ask him for a hug sometimes thats all I need. He has been on his own for about five years now without a 'serious' relationship and I think maybe part of the problem there is his fear of knowing that, with me, it would be a proper relationship. Maybe he's scared of letting go and getting bitten. I am trying to just enjoy the time we spend together. What will be, will be. If he has feelings for me and wants me then he will still be there in a few months when things have calmed down a bit.

It feels so good to just let all that out there is so much other hassle that has gone on I'll have to post again later in the week otherwise this post alone is going to be the size of a book!!

For now I have my house, my children and the dogs, our health and a bottle of vodka for the occasional drink