http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/The weird and wonderful thoughts of me!en-EUMokoFeed10http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/f7/d0120a50743614ebc164ef8198c254_160x200.jpghttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/silence-is-golden-6509422/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2009-07-13:/2009/07/13/silence-is-golden-6509422/Mon, 13 Jul 2009 23:11:40 +0200 <p>Two days in a row - this must be a record surely??!! lol <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Not talking to my parents at the moment. Got to be about six weeks now. Much as I feel I should I just can't bring myself to contact them, I know that there are so many people that would love to have parents that love them and care about them, and believe me, for that I feel quite selfish; but they've really pissed me off!!</p> <p>I am the oldest of three children, I have two younger brothers - one is a year younger and the other is four years younger. They are both successful, quite well-off and good on them - they've worked for what they have and they have earned it. But why should I have to consistently put up with having it rammed down my throat that I should be more like them? Yes I live in a council house, currently on benefits because I'm separated, but I don't want to go out to work full-time and leave my children with a childminder when I'm quite capable of looking after them myself just to satisfy my mothers snobbish streak when bragging to her golf buddies about how successful her children are!! Basically my mum wants me to be so jealous of them that I'll go out and obtain the same as they have and I don't think jealousy is that healthy to be honest!!</p> <p>My mother didn't have a good relationship with her own mother - she was one of five children and was quite badly treated so I have spent years swallowing my comments, taking it on the chin and walking away feeling like a pile of poop. What I really, really, really take offence with is her telling my sixteen year old daughter how bad my attitude is, how I should get up and go to work and be more like my brother!! Now the brother I'm talking about is the youngest, he was in the army and believe me he is so arrogant its unreal. He has one child of almost three years old, I've seen her only twice - the last time being when she was six months old. He informed my parents that he didn't see the need to spend time with his family, and for his daughter to spend time with her cousins because they were not the sort of people she would be spending time with when she went to private school. WTF??!! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_mad.gif" alt=">:(" class="middle" border="0"> My other brother is the real softie and never rises to an argument but even he took great offence to this. I don't see that I need to be 'like' other people. I'm quite happy being me <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="B)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I may be confused as hell at the moment with my life, I may be poor, I may be over-weight, I may on occasions be a tad lazy but I don't want to be a carbon copy of anyone!!</p> <p>My mother has taken this very badly and slightly exaggerated my reaction to my dad, then on top of that she downright lied to him saying it was down to my husband! Now obviously I don't have a great deal of time for him at the moment but fairs fair - he didn't do anything!! I think I'm more hurt by my dads complete lack of response, he is usually the fair one - gathering everyones side of the story and solving everything. The silence is not nice from him. One of my friends has told me that the longer it goes on the worse it is to talk again, but I just don't want to go there at the moment <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't lie and I'm so tired of being pooped on from a great height from people that profess to love me. </p> <p>So, at the moment I love that the phone never rings. Silence is certainly golden sometimes. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/silence-is-golden-6509422/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>confusedsilencebrothersparentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/silence-is-golden-6509422/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/home-alone-6501189/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2009-07-12:/2009/07/13/home-alone-6501189/Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:02:12 +0200 <p>Highly embarassed to see that it is 117 since my last confession again - I'm really not good at this am I? <img src="/img/smilies/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Things have definately moved on here which is something positive! Husband left the house a few weeks ago - finally. He was hanging in there for dear life, one day nice as pie, the next like a psycho; it didn't matter who or what was around. I came in one day with the children to find the bedroom door wedged shut - he had put a door wedge and screwdriver under it. After kicking it open (therapeutic admittedly) I found him laid in the bed totally drunk telling me he had taken an overdose. I couldn't believe how selfish this was <img src="/img/smilies/icon_mad.gif" alt=">:(" class="middle" border="0"> I told him he had ten minutes to get up and get his butt downstairs before I called am ambulance. He shifted. I couldn't believe that he could even stoop that low - knowing that the children would be coming into the house with me. The last straw was when he threw an ashtray at the mirror above the fireplace smashing it to pieces with our five year old daughter just a couple of feet away - the reason? - because I brought my sixteen year old daughter a hamster!! I packed a bag, took the kids, my laptop and the hamster (!) to a friends for the night. I returned the following day after dropping the two younger ones at school and he turned up about half an hour later having taken the day off work. I informed him that I was waiting for a call from the solicitor to take legal action to get him out of the house. He finally got himself a flat in the next town but is still harassing me daily which is partly my fault if I'm honest <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I feel very guilty because I love having the house to myself. I've spent hours cleaning and re-arranging things to my liking, it feels 'mine' and I can relax now. I don't have to worry about the children being out of sight for when he comes in from work, feeding them on chips and rubbish because he won't each vegetables of any kind. Everything feels sort of chilled; the kids are so relaxed its a pleasure to watch them just being themselves.</p> <p>I went and had a tarot reading in town a couple of weeks ago and was pretty shocked by the results - without giving the woman any information whatsoever she turned the cards and said she could see two men. One was very passionate and loved me to pieces (the scorpio one), the other was quite calm, had lots of layers (she likened him to an onion lol) and we were very comfortable together (the taurus one). I let her do her thing and at the end I asked her if she would like to guess which one was my husband; she said the calm one who I felt comfortable with. She nearly fell off her chair when I said the passionate scorpio. She couldn't understand why we were not together! She said it was like he had me in his hands and his grip on me was so tight that finally I had popped out the top of his grasp. She seemed to think that he is the one I should be with because the passion and love is so deep, whereas the taurus one is more like a comfortable love, the sort of 'running through fields holding hands' kind of relationship. Mmmmmmmm <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I'll admit I am at fault with my marriage. I have let myself be dictated to from day one; I shouldn't work here, I shouldn't go there blah, blah, blah and I did it because I don't like the confrontations of arguing about it. I have a real tendency to clam up and come up to a slow boil before blowing. I just don't trust anyone enough to open up and say how I feel without worrying about what they are going to say, and obviously with my husbands violent streak I tend to avoid aggravating him when he's had drink. We did go to a relate session and I seemed to feel like I was making excuses for him being such a selfish arsehole! He consistently turned his back on me while we were talking if I said something he didn't like and that really wound me up - the whole point of going was to be honest and he wasn't being that.</p> <p>Sooooooo, now I just get phonecalls everyday and take a chance over whether he is sober as to whether he is nice or nasty. I feel very guilty over my other man, but my marriage, in my mind, was over the day I broke my vows (last October). I feel mentally divorced if that doesn't sound too cruel? I love my husband to pieces, when he's sober we get on fine with the exception of how he thinks children just shouldn't be seen nor heard. Trouble is, he doesn't think he has a drink problem and I'm scared of him. I really don't see that as a basis of staying or trying to make our marriage work. Maybe I'm just taking the easy way out.</p> <p>I have still been seeing my other man, every time I see him I fall a little bit more in love with him but am still not sure what his feelings are. I don't expect him to declare his undying love for me whilst all the other issues of my separation are being dealt with, but at least if I knew he wanted me just a little bit I would feel able to at least ask him for a hug <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> sometimes thats all I need. He has been on his own for about five years now without a 'serious' relationship and I think maybe part of the problem there is his fear of knowing that, with me, it would be a proper relationship. Maybe he's scared of letting go and getting bitten. I am trying to just enjoy the time we spend together. What will be, will be. If he has feelings for me and wants me then he will still be there in a few months when things have calmed down a bit.</p> <p>It feels so good to just let all that out <img src="/img/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" class="middle" border="0"> there is so much other hassle that has gone on I'll have to post again later in the week otherwise this post alone is going to be the size of a book!!</p> <p>For now I have my house, my children and the dogs, our health and a bottle of vodka for the occasional drink <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="B)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/home-alone-6501189/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tarotseparationmarriagehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/home-alone-6501189/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/doesn-t-time-fly-5773940/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2009-03-17:/2009/03/17/doesn-t-time-fly-5773940/Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:17:18 +0100 <p>I've done it again haven't I?! Left it absolutely ages since I had a whinging session <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Well, things have certainly been moving here I can tell you! I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing at the moment or not, but I suppose time will tell.</p> <p>I told my husband at the weekend that I wanted a divorce. I have never felt so scared - not by him getting angry or anything, but over the finality of such a statement <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0">. I went to see a solicitor last week and started divorce proceedings; which is such a hard thing to do when I still love him. I do love him. I know that much. I'm just so unhappy with everything else around us that it is never going to work. He spent the whole weekend blaming my children (no blame attached to his of course!). He came in yesterday though and sat talking to me quite reasonably - he is going to look for a two bedroom flat close to where he works, he has asked if he can take a few bits from the house and whether he would be allowed to have our daughter to stay. I'm relieved in one respect that I can have some time out with my children; nobody to dictate who I can talk to and where I can go; not being accused of not spending enough time with him or not loving him enough, not paying him enough attention - I just feel so drained <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Part of me thinks maybe we should go to counselling - but I'm not convinced he would be honest enough to actually get anything dealt with. I'm not convinced I can get over the complete lack of trust he has had in me for years - without any cause (until very recently of course). Maybe getting me feel like this is just another power kick for him, I don't know. Don't get me wrong - I know I love him, but I'm not sure sometimes whether I actually like him as a person!</p> <p>I've still been seeing my other friend - he just confuses the crap out of me lol. We've got together perhaps half a dozen times now and I'm starting to feel more relaxed about it - but I think the fact that I don't know how he views the whole thing confuses me. I like him. A lot. It bugs me that he will text me or message me that he has a day off and asks whether I'd like to meet up, we meet at his place, spend a couple of hours in the bedroom (definately improving there) then sit and have a coffee and chat for half an hour - then I sort of feel like I'm in the way <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"> - I do appreciate the fact that he works full-time and has to fit a lot in on his days off, but then I get total silence for a week or so afterwards. If I send him an email he says he hasn't received anything - so the last coupe of times I haven't bothered - I've gone round there and ignored him until he has contacted me again. He has made comments about coming round mine when I'm single (I wouldn't let him here while my husband was still living here anyway - I couldn't do that), but then there are also comments about him finding somebody to settle down with - and commenting on other peoples photos etc on Facebook. I'm jealous if I'm honest. I'd like the chance to have a proper and honest relationship with him; I suppose I'm not going to know until things are sorted out here. Maybe he will want to start seeing me properly; I know that I won't continue casually seeing him just for sex. How weird is that? I've been seeing him behind my husbands back to feel like I've got a bit of control over something, but am not prepared to continue when I'm single. Bit screwy I suppose. Maybe I view it that if I'm single I want a better deal - I don't know! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Financially things are going to be pretty hard. I'm going to look at doing an IVA with a debt management company - I'm not prepared to argue with the husband over who owes what; most of them are in my name but were for things he wanted/needed, or for his kids - I'm not going to make it really messy by trying to get him to take them over, I'd rather just deal with it and stop everything getting too nasty. I think I'll sit on benefits for a year to finish my degree and spend some quality time with the children, then I'll sort out going back out to work - depends how bored I get I suppose! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>For now, I am going to dig out some gardening books so I can learn the difference between proper plants and weeds, get the house sorted how I want it and get my children sorted out. Its not going to be easy but maybe the foggy mess in my head will clear a bit when I've got things here sorted a bit - I won't be worrying about so much and can relax a bit.</p> <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"> Onwards and upwards <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/doesn-t-time-fly-5773940/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>divorcehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/doesn-t-time-fly-5773940/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/26/feelings-5450339/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2009-01-26:/2009/01/26/feelings-5450339/Mon, 26 Jan 2009 13:24:52 +0100 <p>Why do we have them? Why can't we just turn them off? There are so many people around the world that just never seem to suffer from caring about others - why do I have to be one of the people that seem to have their share?!</p> <p>I know that I am falling in love, a little bit at a time, with him. The guy who was supposed to be just a casual sex toy, someone to spend a bit of time with on a boring day. I've only met up with him the twice - the sex was definately better the second time, although I'm know I am not relaxed enough to totally let myself go, it seems that I am obviously a person that needs that 'in a relationship' trust to do that (why, oh why?!!!). He rings me every couple of weeks, and texts me occasionally, forwards all his funny emails to me. Whenever I've been to his place there is that definate 'click' when we talk - and I want him to be mine soooooo much. I sit here and try to tell myself that he's not interested in me that way, that he lives a totally different life to me; he's an outgoing chatty sort of bloke whereas I'm more comfortable in my own little house away from the outside world.</p> <p>But then, I find myself wondering whether he does actually have some feelings for me and is just being wary because my husband is still here, maybe he does care because he does keep in contact. Its just so confusing :-( I have told him that I had fancied him for years and that I don't just want to be some casual plaything - and he said he was really surprised because he had no idea that I'd ever felt that way. </p> <p>I make a point of when I'm trying to deal with my marriage to remember that I wanted out before I started seeing him, and that I wanted to be on my own. I don't want to assume that he would be around if I was on my own, wanting a relationship because I know I would be gutted if he wasn't.</p> <p>My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another. </p> <p>Maybe I'm just scared of finding out that he has no feelings for me at all - other than a couple of hours worth of touchy-feely time.</p> <p>Only time will tell I suppose. x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/26/feelings-5450339/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>love-scaredhttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/26/feelings-5450339/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/terrible-blogger-5332233/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2009-01-06:/2009/01/06/terrible-blogger-5332233/Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:44:11 +0100 <p>Thats me!!</p> <p>Over 65 days since I was last on here - how bad is that?!</p> <p>I do have the excuse that I moved and was without internet (god, how did I manage?!) - then xmas and the kids all at home, but still not enough excuses to cover 65 days!! lol</p> <p>Well I have a lovely new home - the downstairs is slightly smaller than the last one, but feels warmer and cosy. The kids all have larger bedrooms which they are obviously well impressed with <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0">. The husband? Well, he's still here. I have got to get up the courage to deal with this or it is going to go on forever!! He has been making a lot of effort but because I looked at the house with a view to just me and the kids being here I feel sort of robbed that I'm having to share it with him (which is probably very cruel to be honest!).</p> <p>New year - and I AM going to sort out my life this year!! My oldest daughter is 20 today - that is 20 years of putting my kids first - this year I will start putting me up alongside them and have some time for me!</p> <p>Hoping that everyone has had a wonderful christmas and my best wishes to all for a very happy 2009!!</p> <p>With any luck I may be on here a bit more regular - maybe I should make it one of my new years resolutions!!</p> <p>devilish-angel x</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/terrible-blogger-5332233/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-year-christmas-househttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/terrible-blogger-5332233/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/absolutely-bizarre-4970249/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-11-02:/2008/11/02/absolutely-bizarre-4970249/Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:29:43 +0100 <p>So, I sat there all week trying to sort out in my head what i was going to say to him; how to actually word my request for a separation (didn't think it was too cool to come straight out and ask for a divorce).</p> <p>By friday i'd given up.  Got my shopping delivered and had ordered a nice one litre bottle of Baileys (it was on special lol).  After consuming all bar about 2mm in the bottom of the bottle things started to get going.  He actually came out and asked me if I wanted to be with him - the ideal opening!  I said 'no', I didn't want to be with him, didn't want to live with him, didn't want to live here, wanted to be on my own, no - there was no-one else.</p> <p>After he sat there and told me that he wouldn't sign the tenancy over to me (it was my house for ten years before he moved in), and he wanted refunding for the xmas presents i'd brought the kids (wasn't gonna argue over anything like that - i just agreed to get things sorted) he then went to sleep on the sofa <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/grayconfused.gif" alt="">.</p> <p>Now, one would think that after being asked for a separation, blah, blah, blah then the last thing he would do was go to sleep!!</p> <p>But (and yes, it gets better).  He woke up the next morning (he'd made it to bed) - turned over, kissed me and told me he loved me before getting out of bed <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/icon_crazy.gif" alt="">.</p> <p>AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?????!!!!! <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/icon_censored.gif" alt=""></p> <p>He keeps pulling me over to give him hugs - and queries why my arms stay at my sides; why i don't kiss him back?!  I told him quite bluntly today that i had told him what the problem was on friday.  His response?  You came out with a complete load of shit on friday coz you were drunk.</p> <p>Now, I can either read that as he just didn't believe me; or has such a little amount of respect for my feelings that he chooses to just bulldoze his way over me?  Maybe he thinks if he keeps kissing me I'll change my mind!!  Like a marriage was based on how many times you got kissed ffs!!!!</p> <p>Very draining having to KEEP explaining myself over and over. </p> <p>Back to start again I suppose!!!</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/absolutely-bizarre-4970249/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>respectdivorcelifeignorantlovehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/11/02/absolutely-bizarre-4970249/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/24/something-i-wouldn-t-normally-do-4924037/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-10-24:/2008/10/24/something-i-wouldn-t-normally-do-4924037/Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:53:00 +0200 <p>I know I have posted about my discreet advertisement - and I did arrange to meet up with somebody;  I didn't have the courage to go through with it.  After a bit of self-analysis I think I have gone down that line because maybe it is the only thing I actually have some control over at the moment in my life.</p> <p>It was a nice thought; it felt good to be wanted, to be fancied and to feel attractive to another person but when I married my husband I made vows that I never thought I would break.  And I certainly didn't feel that I could just jump into bed with a stranger just to make myself feel better.  I would like to think I had some better standards than that <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/13confused.gif" alt="">.</p> <p>The last week or so though I have been in close contact with an old school friend of the male variety.  We went out together when we were, oh, about 14!!  So it was  nothing serious - nothing past a couple of kisses.  We have seen each other occasionally in the primary school playground that our daughters both attended and always spoke to each other; I'd be lying in I said I hadn't looked at him and wondered what it would be like to be with him though <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/11redface.gif" alt="">. </p> <p>Our 'friendship' has gone from being on each others friends list on Facebook to texting each other every day, and chatting on a daily basis.  He is single - he left a 15 year long relationship about  5 or 6 years back and has a young daughter with his ex.  It felt a bit odd at first sending him flirty text messages and pictures; it felt even stranger today when I went to his place.  In one respect I feel so comfortable with him, but in the other, so awkward after so many years of being nothing but passing playground buddies.</p> <p>He has a pretty time-demanding job, and obviously has to fit in seeing his daughter.  I'm not sure what he is looking for; maybe just a bit of no-strings attached fun.  But as we laid in his bed together (I won't list the finer details), I was really surprised by how much I just enjoyed talking to him - and felt quite sad when I had to leave.  Its not often that I can talk to someone who actually stimulates me  into talking back, asking questions, and being interested enough to listen!!  Call me fickle - but there is a real difference between 'having' to talk and 'wanting' to.  I wanted to.</p> <p>I had made a point of telling my husband this morning that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue living with him; maybe it was to stop me feeling guilty as I went to meet up with another man while still married.  But I felt I had to say it before I went to meet up with another man. </p> <p>I know there is nothing worse than jumping from one man to another - it does not bode well for a relationship.  I know that I need a lot of time to spend with my children and get my own mind and life sorted out, but I think I've met someone who I'd like to share a bit of that time with.  And I didn't think I would.  And now I suppose I'm paranoid that he will now think that if I've met up with him while married I could do it to someone else - which has left me feeling a bit deflated by the whole thing <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/14sad.gif" alt="">.</p> <p>My husband has agreed that we need to sit down and talk this weekend - although from my telephone conversation with him earlier all he seems to do is blame our problems on not having enough time alone together with the children around.  I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.  I know that I can't go back now though.</p> <p>We'll have to see what the weekend brings.....</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/24/something-i-wouldn-t-normally-do-4924037/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>guiltylifehusbandhttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/24/something-i-wouldn-t-normally-do-4924037/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/d-i-v-o-r-c-e-4899796/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-10-20:/2008/10/20/d-i-v-o-r-c-e-4899796/Mon, 20 Oct 2008 10:23:26 +0200<p>How do you do it?</p> <p>How do you actually tell your husband/wife that you don't want to be with them anymore?</p> <p>Do you sit there while watching Eastenders and say "oh, by the way I've been thinking that I really don't wanna be married to you anymore?"</p> <p>In my previous long term relationship it wasn't really hard.  We didn't really talk, had nothing in common (other than the kids), didn't really have a laugh.  I do with my husband; we actually get on quite well to be honest - but the more I see recently the more I just don't want to be here.  With him.</p> <p>The kids are really unhappy - he's always bitching about something to them; we had discussed moving and because he doesn't really want to move away (even though he won't be seen with me in our local area in case the ex-wife is about) he has now said he wants to take everything - now I'm talking shed, laminate flooring, carpets - the lot!!  I think the final straw was yesterday he was cooking dinner (he's not bad at that to be honest) and he dropped the baking tin full of oil for the potatoes over the kitchen carpet.  Now, yes, it was an accident - but!!  he did it a couple of weeks ago and I got the blame (!).  I wasn't even in the room I might add.  It was me that cleared it up while he bleated on about having to replace three carpet tiles at just under two quid each.  So you might think that the next time he took the tin out he'd be a bit more careful.  Obviously  not.  This time he has totally ruined the whole floor.  Did he clear it up? Did he f**k as like <img src="http://www.blog.co.uk/image/smileys/grayupset.gif" alt="">.  He stood there and lit a cigarette and just looked at it.  The oil dripping over the whole cooker - top to bottom (the cooker I had only cleaned yesterday morning I might add), flooding over the carpet.</p> <p>He had a week off a couple of weeks ago - I got totally rat-arsed one night and told him everything that was on my mind.  He sat there looking at me like I'd sprouted another head.  Didn't argue back and hasn't mentioned anything since.  We went out for lunch while he was off and I sat with him outside the pub and explained again (just sober this time lol) what I was getting so upset about and again he hasnt' mentioned it since - I did ask for his input, opinion etc. He just seems to keep burying his head. </p> <p>So after a week on constantly being uptight and trying to talk to him I've decided that, much as I love him, I can't live like this anymore.  I want to meet up with friends, I want my friends to feel that they can phone without him getting the arse, my children to feel like they don't have to live in their bedrooms.  No more treading on eggshells on a Sunday afternoon in case he's had one too many at the pub.  No more having to worry about whether there is enough money to pay the rent after he's taken his beer money for the month 'because he's earned it'.</p> <p>I'm just not quite sure how to actually bring the subject up.  Its not really part of the daily "how has your day been dear" is it??</p> <p> </p><p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/d-i-v-o-r-c-e-4899796/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>argumentlifedivorcehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/d-i-v-o-r-c-e-4899796/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/the-strangest-feeling-4796108/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-09-29:/2008/09/29/the-strangest-feeling-4796108/Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:49:01 +0200 <p>I said when I first started my blog that I felt it was, in a way, a kind of counselling.  It probably doesn't work for everyone in that way - but it has cleared my mind a little.  Some of that fog is clearing.</p> <p>Trouble is, that fog is replaced by the knowledge that I need to face up to things and I know that they are going to be really, really hard to actually deal with.  </p> <p>I don't 'do' difficult or awkward.  There are times when it is definately easier to stick your head in the sand and just ignore everything.  Problem is, when it starts to affect my children I know that I have to deal with it.  And I am dreading it.</p> <p>I know that I need to move away from the town I live in - I think, in my subconscious I saw it as a temporary move anyway and now I need to move on.</p> <p>My children are starting to struggle - and I can't bear that.</p> <p>Maybe its some time for some really hard sorting out.  And I just hope that I don't live to regret the choices I have to make.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/the-strangest-feeling-4796108/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>decisionslifelovehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/the-strangest-feeling-4796108/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/16/naughty-4735140/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-09-16:/2008/09/16/naughty-4735140/Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:03:18 +0200 <p>Yesterday started like crap I don't mind admitting it. The youngest munchkin that started school last week part-time had her first full day yesterday. I came back in through the front door feeling a bit down but decided I could do better than that! Did the housework, stripped beds, hoovered made a lasagne from scratch - all by 10.30. Then just sat on the stairs and cried <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I just sat there thinking off all the hours I now have just stuck in this house. Everytime the husband rang I was offhand and downright rude to be honest <img src="/img/smilies/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" class="middle" border="0"> I reminded him that when we first got back together I specifically told him I didn't 'do' staying at home. All I kept getting were grunts and moaning that he wouldn't ring me again if I was gonna be so rude (chance would be a fine thing).</p> <p>The housework seemed to pass even quicker today so I thought rather than spend my time weeping like a twat on the stairs I'd do something more productive <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I registered for a contact site for illicit encounters - got talking to an accountant (going up in the world here now!!). We are going to meet up in a couple of weeks. And no, I couldn't give a shite to be honest. If I was allowed out to work then I wouldn't be here on my own constantly thinking and bored rigid. So now I'm going to have some fun - and with any luck some mind-blowing sex <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="B)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/16/naughty-4735140/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>boredomillicitsexlifehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/16/naughty-4735140/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/11/lets-try-again-4712033/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-09-11:/2008/09/11/lets-try-again-4712033/Thu, 11 Sep 2008 09:55:59 +0200 <p>I did a whole posting yesterday then lost the lot <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/grayupset.gif" border="0" alt="">  and to be honest I just couldn't be arsed to type it all up again!</p> <p>Gob started school yesterday.  My last baby <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/grayconfusedw.gif" border="0" alt=""> - it felt like the end of something.  </p> <p>Its a strange feeling.  Sort of lost <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/graysigh.gif" border="0" alt=""></p> <p>I gave up smoking in May but this morning I went and brought a packet of fags.  I'm going to hang out the back door in a minute and bloody enjoy the disgusting thing <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" border="0" alt="">.  </p> <p>In a funny sort of way I'm gonna miss being dictated to by a four year old child.</p> <p>But its gonna be cool being able to turn my music up without being told off for it because she can't hear Peppa Pig!!! Bonus!!! <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/grayyes.gif" border="0" alt=""> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/11/lets-try-again-4712033/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/11/lets-try-again-4712033/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/03/small-steps-4675718/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-09-03:/2008/09/03/small-steps-4675718/Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:13:18 +0200 <p>It all keeps going around my head.</p> <p>I've decided to do a list - and this is the safest way of keeping it!!</p> <p>1. I start the last course of my degree in a couple of months. Unfortunately its not the degree I wanted to do - that one involved going away one week a year and I was told I wasn't allowed to go away. I still want to do my earth sciences degree with my residential schools.</p> <p>2. I want to lose my weight. He doesn't like me going on diets - he has this habit of bringing in chocolate the minute I start one because he knows I cannot leave it sitting there all lonely in the fridge <img src="/img/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt=":>>" class="middle" border="0">. Trouble is, by stopping me being even slightly attractive to anyone else he is also stopping me being attactive to him - hence he never jumps on top of me (the last time we had sex with him on top was christmas day - how sad that I actually remember!!! <img src="/img/smilies/graysigh.gif" alt=":**:" class="middle" border="0">).</p> <p>3. Finances dictate that I really need to be working full-time but he will not allow me to do this. Quote "you'll be too tired and get stroppy at me and the kids". Like I don't get stroppy when we can't pay the bills!! </p> <p>4. Sorting out our debts; he came into this marriage with debts which by marrying him I agreed to take on. What I don't agree to is him sticking his head in the sand and ignoring them! Jeez!! You spend the money you pay it back!! He will not even consider debt management or IVA's because then he has to admit he has over £500 a month to spend. About £100 goes on petrol and he spends the rest on beer and fags.</p> <p>5. I don't like the way he has no time for the children. I have to admit I have told him to his face that he should never have been a parent <img src="/img/smilies/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" class="middle" border="0">. You have kids you don't expect them to sit in their rooms from the minute you come in because you nitpick constantly. Out of my five kids, two have left home; my 15 yo daughter avoids him quite a lot and so does my 9 year old - they stay upstairs out of the way when he's in and it never used to be like that. I don't like it <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0">. The only place the kiddies have been this summer hols is swimming for one of their birthdays (and he didn't go then!). We used to go out and about all the time <img src="/img/smilies/graysigh.gif" alt=":**:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>6. I want to move, he doesn't. I hate moving and when we moved over here I thought we could stay but the work that has been done by the HA has been so much hassle (I haven't had one week go by since new year without someone being in or around the house) that it just doesn't feel like our house. He's accusing me of wanting to move him away from his friends (lucky him - he has some!!). Biggest problem with moving is deciding where to go!? I don't want to go into Brighton, the town next to where I am is where his daughter, two sisters and brother live (just NOT lowering myself <img src="/img/smilies/grayupset.gif" alt=":##" class="middle" border="0">), the next one along is where I moved from (my ex used to follow the kids - long story. needed to move), the next one alone is where my ex best friend used to live before she married my ex <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0"> so not too sure about there and the next one seems to be a possible. That is then about 25 miles from here. Can't bear the thought of moving inland - I like the sea close to me (don't ask me why because I rarely go in it - I just love looking at it!).</p> <p>I'm almost 40 and I feel like I'm going backwards with my life <img src="/img/smilies/icon_crazy.gif" alt=":crazy:" class="middle" border="0"> I want to go forwards. I'm happy to go out to work to have a better standard of living and not have to count the shopping as I pick it up.</p> <p>So what have I started to do?</p> <p>Small steps <img src="/img/smilies/grayyes.gif" alt=":yes:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I've started watching what I eat without making it obvious I'm on a diet; I've started paying little bits of a couple off my debts that have been sitting around; I've made a list of the courses I would need to do to achieve the degree I originally wanted to do. I'm still actively looking for a house exchange in the town he has made it clear he won't move to (I'll deal with that one if something comes up). Small steps but maybe a start.</p> <p>We'll have to see how it goes over the next few months. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/03/small-steps-4675718/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>degreelifedebtchocolatehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/09/03/small-steps-4675718/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/29/go-dolly-go-4653010/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-29:/2008/08/29/go-dolly-go-4653010/Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:07:05 +0200 <p>I find myself constantly ridiculed by people for absolutely loving Dolly Parton <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Songs for every mood <img src="/img/smilies/grayyes.gif" alt=":yes:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I've just had to hunt for my all time favourite - Hard Candy Christmas. Althought its a slow and sort of soppy song its a bit of a calming and inspirational song. I'm not one for being manically depressed - I believe there is always someone worse off than me and there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but these words are just amazing!</p> <p><em>hey maybe i'll dye my hair<br> maybe i'll move somewhere<br> maybe i'll get a car<br> maybe i'll drive so far they'll all lose track<br> me, i'll bounce right back<br> maybe i'll sleep real late<br> maybe i'll lose some weight<br> maybe i'll clear my junk<br> maybe i'll just get drunk on apple wine<br> me, i'll be just fine and dandy.<br> lord its like a hard candy christmas i'm barely getting through tomorrow but still i won't let sorrow bring me down.</p> <p>hey maybve i'll learn to sew<br> maybe i'll just lie low<br> maybe i'll hit the bars<br> count the stars til the dawn<br> me, i will go on<br> maybe i'll settle down<br> maybe i'll just leave town<br> maybe i'll have some fun<br> maybe i'll meet someone and make him mine<br> me, i'll be just fine and dandy.<br> lord its like a hard candy christmas i'm barely getting through tomorrow but still i won't let sorrow bring me down.</em></p> <p>Excellent!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/29/go-dolly-go-4653010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dolly-partoninspirationalhttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/29/go-dolly-go-4653010/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/could-be-time-for-a-change-4644132/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-27:/2008/08/27/could-be-time-for-a-change-4644132/Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:47:10 +0200 <p>Well, all my good intentions of writing every day certainly went to pot didn't they? lol. You can probably tell that I never kept a diary as a child <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I have, however, been fairly busy in the thinking department. Its amazing when you sit here and re-read what you have put and start to see your own life in a totally different way. I wondered what advice I would give if it had been somebody else writing it.</p> <p>So anyways. I've decided that I need to haul my butt into gear and start getting my life back. I'm not an overly outgoing person, I don't 'do' pubs and clubs and can honestly say I've not really missed them over the last few years - but I do, at the moment, feel lonely - and thats a horrible thing to feel. Especially when it is not my choice. I used to keep a Filofax on the kitchen worktop with appointments in it; coffee meets, nights out, hairdressers, kids parent evenings etc - I don't keep one now because I have nowhere to go. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm 'allowed' coffee once in a while with a couple of 'approved' friends but I get phone calls while I'm there asking how much longer it is before I'm back home (I wouldn't mind but he's at work while he's ringing me so its hardly like he's waiting for me!). I've missed heaven knows how many parents evenings and the like because he gets the cob and starts an argument. Nights out? I haven't been out, with a friend, or friends since he moved in. That's six years ago this October. <img src="/img/smilies/grayno.gif" alt=":no:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>How much of a <img src="/img/smilies/icon_censored.gif" alt=">:XX" class="middle" border="0"> soft walk-over have I bloody been to sit here and take it?!</p> <p>I'm not putting time limits on anything because I think thats a bit cold - but! being in a social housing house we can exchange properties. We only moved in September but I hate the house, the place, the people; I've seen a beautiful older style house about 25 miles away along the coast (I don't want to move away from the sea). When I suggested it to him the comment I got was "you don't want me to see any of my bloody mates do you?". He has one mate that he works with, and then meets every night for a drink. One rule for one, one for the other me thinks.</p> <p>I've decided that if he doesn't want to go I'm going to go on my own. The really sad part is, I think I want to go on my own. I want to be able to talk to my friends on the phone without them having to text first to check he's out, to be able to go and sit in a coffee shop and read a magazine just for the sheer hell of it, sit with the kids and do their homework without being accused of ignoring him, read them bedtime stories without him getting snotty that i've spent too long upstairs.</p> <p>I want to start feeling alive again. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/could-be-time-for-a-change-4644132/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifethinkingsadalivefeelinghttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/could-be-time-for-a-change-4644132/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/title-4610693/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-19:/2008/08/19/title-4610693/Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:28:13 +0200 <p>What can I say about my husband? </p> <p>When we met he was seeing someone, I was seeing someone. I found out I was pregnant at the same time that Mr C was about to move into his first flat. He stood in front of me and offered not to go through with signing the papers if I wanted to have a relationship with him. I stood there knowing that I was pregnant by another man. I told him we couldn't have that sort of relationship. That was February 1987. Mr C moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mr P broke up and a few months later I started seeing Mr G, we got on ok but that attraction to Mr C was still there - it wasn't long before we were seeing each other again; walking to the station, pub at lunchtime that sort of thing. We first slept together in December 1987. I fell pregnant again in about April 1987 (Mr G and I thought it was a good idea one night - and that was all it took). Mr C's girlfriend fell pregnant at the same time; at least she was 100% sure it was his <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0">. I had moved out of home by this time due to the hassle from the parents so I had no idea what I was going to do; at my parents suggestion I moved back and planned to marry Mr G.</p> <p>One of the most painful memories was the night before I moved away. I spent the night at Mr C's flat (his girlfriend was at work - and no, it just didn't cross my mind that it was wrong somehow!). We had the most wonderful evening; he was so loving and caring. The next morning he begged me not to move; he cried (and I've not often seen that!). The way I saw it was that he wasn't offering to leave his girlfriend and I didn't want to be the bit on the side for years. He rang me on my wedding day to Mr G. The marriage didn't last long - me and Mr G still get on; we get on very well to be honest, I have a lot of feelings and care for him a lot - but I don't love him. He's happily remarried and has provided our daughter with two youngers brothers that she loves to hate! </p> <p>I moved back down here in the October 1989. I didn't move - I ran away. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I was still living at my parents with Mr G and our daughter - I couldn't cope with it anymore and packed up the car one day and came back down here with her. I went back to work at the same place as Mr C but things were never the same - we didn't sleep together and although we still stared at each other and probably both wanted each other we just didn't go there.</p> <p>I had a couple of short relationships then a 12 year long one. I ended that one in June 2002 - he was an alcoholic; he was more mentally abusive that physically but I had four children by that time. I was working full-time had the kids in school and childcare and was doing quite well. I had started a degree a few years before and was enjoying using my brain and having a social life. My best friend was the only issue I had - although I must admit I didn't realise it at the time. She was a very negative person who derived pleasure from being above everyone else; I quite often used to go to her house and end up doing her housework, she'd try and talk me into taking out loans she knew I couldn't afford, things that I can look back and see but at the time she seemed like a pillar of support <img src="/img/smilies/graysigh.gif" alt=":**:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I received an email in September 2002 from Mr C through Friends Reunited - well, you could have knocked me down with a feather! I went from annoyance at him having the nerve - to dizzy pleasure! After a week of dithering over whether to answer or not (I was on holiday with the kids) I replied when I got home. I had been driving for eight hours straight and after a couple of hours he was on his way over - it was like 2am! I slept with him that night (yeah, yeah - I hadn't had it in a while - and a girls got needs!! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0">). He started coming over everyday after work and never wanted to leave. One weekend I couldn't get hold of him and started to worry that something had happened. He rang me at about 8pm sounding like he was crying; when I asked what was wrong he told me that he had just left his wife. I asked where he was and he said he was on his over! Helloo!!?? I felt a bit stumped to be honest. He hadn't told me he was going to leave her, didn't ask if I wanted a live-in boyfriend - jeez, I'd not long got rid of one! I felt a bit <img src="/img/smilies/icon_censored.gif" alt=">:XX" class="middle" border="0">off to be honest. I was enjoying a relationship without the laundry, the bills, arguments etc.</p> <p>I was pleasantly surprised at how well we got on - he didn't tell his ex he had been seeing someone (I certainly didn't see the need to rub her nose in it). He kept his family away from me and my kids for almost a year until the divorce was almost done and dusted. He gave her the family home (which she promptly sold and spent), she kicked two of their three kids out so we ended up with them for a couple of years. We had our own child - we felt we wanted the one between us after our history. He does adore me; he drinks too much, smokes too much, does a mean job of sticking his head in the sand when it comes to bills and money (he had money and a house - now he's broke and living in social housing) - but he helps with the housework, tells me he loves me everyday without fail, kisses me good morning and good night, will defend me to the end and the sex is quite often absolutely fantastic (not even I expect mind-blowing absolutely every time!!).</p> <p>Trouble is, he's also very possessive. He would have preferred me to give up my studying - I was quite lucky I had already covered that one before he moved in. He was told quite bluntly that no man would ever stop me studying again; he tried once and since I suggested he walk he hasn't done it again. He drew the line at me going on a summer school for a course - that was a definite 'you go, I leave' scenario. I don't go out with friends; I still have a couple but not like I used to, its not worth the hassle or the arguments. He doesn't want me to work although we could really do with the money. He's been violent about three times - I don't think he quite realised how much I could argue back <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"> the last time I packed my bag in front of him and walked straight out with the kids and to give him his due he hasn't touched me like that for way over a year. </p> <p>I love him. He still makes my heart flutter. And yet - I feel like I'm compromising being happy and having a life. If I go out to work I lose him. I don't like arguing with him; I don't consider myself a nasty person and I don't like being heartless. Maybe thats what leaves me wide open to being stuck here. And yet I don't want to be without him <img src="/img/smilies/grayno.gif" alt=":no:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/title-4610693/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>happymarriagelovehusbandhttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/title-4610693/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/life-is-so-confusing-4607741/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-19:/2008/08/19/life-is-so-confusing-4607741/Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:43:57 +0200 <p>You know I just couldn't sleep last night <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0">. I had the husband snoring next to me, the windows were open - rain pelting it down outside, gale force winds blowing the curtains across the room and my brain just wouldn't stop thinking! I did get out of bed to close the windows so I could cut out most of the noise and stop the dancing curtains but the OH immediately woke up (just like he does when I put Friends on funnily enough) and he started whinging about how stuffy the bedroom was. So I now feel like a complete bag of shite <img src="/img/smilies/icon_yawn.gif" alt=":yawn:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I know subconsciously the biggest problem is that I know I'm not 100% happy with my life. Trouble I feel ungrateful almost for feeling like that! I have beautiful kids, and husband that adores me and somewhere to live - what the hell is wrong with me?? Some people would love to have what I have. Yet I want more.</p> <p>I don't want to spend the rest of my life getting more and more bitter about what I feel I'm missing out on. Other people have it all, why can't I? I try to break it down but always cannot come up with logical answers.</p> <p>I've tried finding the answers in the past - I found out that I was (apparently) a white witch in a past life and I been back here so many times because I don't learn from my mistakes. So tell me something I don't frigging know!! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_crazy.gif" alt=":crazy:" class="middle" border="0"> I was invited to visit one of the covens (I think thats what they call the witch clubs lol) - my biggest fear was that you sleep with loads of strangers (could be fun <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0">) and that they'd see my stretch marks!! </p> <p>Does everyone feel this confused about life in general? I walk down the road and other people look normal and happy; I feel like I bimble through life in a constant stream of confusion. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/life-is-so-confusing-4607741/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>happyanswerslifeconfusedhttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/life-is-so-confusing-4607741/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/do-i-still-love-him-or-not-4603165/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-18:/2008/08/18/do-i-still-love-him-or-not-4603165/Mon, 18 Aug 2008 10:15:13 +0200 <p>Now the reason I started with Mr P (the ex) is because I'm really not sure whether what happened with him has been the basis for the way my life has gone - or whether it was me. Now obviously I know that some of it was down to me because he wasn't around to be a part of decisions I made as I got older - but I do sometimes wonder if things had gone a little different with him whether I would have followed a slightly different course (if you know what I mean!!).</p> <p>My parents went absolutely bloody balistic over my being pregnant; it was ugly. There was no-one I could actually talk about the situation. Obviously I knew that I didn't want a child at 16 (although if I'd have know I could have been housed and got benefits I may have considered it), I knew that I couldn't have gone through a pregnancy to give the child away for adoption, and I certainly didn't want a termination. As it happened the decision was taken out of my hands; probably a good thing in hindsight. I started bleeding - badly. I miscarried at home. My parents were relieved - sorry, but I've always made a very conscious effort to be very different with my children - even if its something I think they've done wrong. I've made a huge effort to try and put myself in their shoes which is something I don't believe my parents attempted to done even once. They were hurtful, nasty and pretty much cold over the whole thing. Over twenty years down the line if I went to my parents today and asked them about it they would say I deserved what happened and I shouldn't have been such a slut. A little piece of me and never forgotten and certainly not forgiven.</p> <p>I had to go to hospital as it was classed as an incomplete miscarriage - what I still find insulting to be honest is that they call it an 'incomplete abortion' - like it was what I chose to happen!! </p> <p>I attended the same college as Mr P on day release. We had split up and he didn't seem to want to get back together. I was absolutely heartbroken - I loved him to bits. He moved away about two years later with his family to another part of the country and even though all of this happened absolutely years ago he still has a piece of my heart (yep, that is just so bloody soppy isn't it?). I never knew if he was faithful to me; there seemed to be an awful lot of people telling me that he wasn't and in some ways the bitterness I felt because by that time I believed he hadn't - and the fact he hadn't been around while I'd been going through so much helped a little way towards getting over him. It threw me a bit recently when he added me as a friend on Facebook - oh my little heart just pounds at the thought of him (do you think maybe I still love him just a little? I'm not sure!). He is tall, dark and very handsome. Of course he's married now - to a lawyer; he sent me some pictures. The wife is a very pretty red head and they have the standard two children (boy and girl) - very sweet kids. </p> <p>We started talking on Facebook then MSN and he swore blind he had never been unfaithful to me and that he regretted what had happened. A lot of it had been down to me not contacting him, his pride wouldn't let him back down and get back together with me. It felt like someone had whipped out the rug from underneath my feet - I had spent so many years hating him for being unfaithful and not being there for me; and here he was telling me I was wrong. It has confused me. A lot.</p> <p>But then, because confusing the hell out of me wasn't enough, he started flirting and telling me that he wanted to meet up for a coffee - and get this - we'd never had oral sex and surely it was something we should rectify!! WTF??!! When we were seeing each other I was a fantastic looking size 10 - I'm now an 18. After a few kids it just isn't pretty. Things have stretched, sagged and some of them are just downright ugly. I sent him a couple of pictures - that shut him up for a while LOL. He still confuses me though. Sometimes he sends me dirty little comments on Facebook; there is an application to send dirty thoughts and actions - I've received a pretty good variety but I'm not the only one. He has admitted that he hasn't been faithful to his wife. I'm thinking maybe I could be a convenient bunk-up when he's in the area (his parents moved back down here). Trouble is, it is so bloody tempting.</p> <p>I've looked the pictures of his kids so many times; it makes me wonder what our child would have looked like. He/she would have probably had his brown eyes, and we've both got dark brown hair. He's got very slightly darker olive coloured skin too, so it would have been a beautiful child. My children are pretty good looking (if I say so myself!) and his are too. We would have had a stunning child.</p> <p>I'm too scared to meet with him. He has a very good job, is obviously very well off. I'm sat here in my council house with a husband that drinks and smokes too much. We struggle to pay the bills each month and its embarassing! Mr P and myself used to be on the same level - now he's far, far higher than I am and I don't know if I want to look him in the face knowing that. He's 'matured', I've expanded. I don't know if I could bear it. </p> <p>And I think the biggest problem of all is if he can still makes my heart beat so fast it is only going to result in me feeling hurt all over again. I don't know if I could bear feeling like that again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/do-i-still-love-him-or-not-4603165/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>scaredhurtmiscarriageparentsunfaithfullifelovehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/do-i-still-love-him-or-not-4603165/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/17/some-of-the-history-4599819/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-17:/2008/08/17/some-of-the-history-4599819/Sun, 17 Aug 2008 14:03:36 +0200 <p>Its so hard to know where to start when analysing your life. Do you start from being a kid, your first love, leaving home? There doesn't seem to be any set point does there?</p> <p>I want to talk about my ex - the oh so sexy Mr P. But I think I would probably be better off starting with my husband. Now you may think thats a weird place to start, and to be honest I would probably agree - but! he's been in my head for so long!! 22 years long (and I'm only 38!!).</p> <p>We met at work. I was doing my little YTS course and being that I had been placed in a large manufacturing company I was doing the rounds of the departments gaining secretarial experience. I used to get the earlier train to work because you could actually get a seat on that one so I was always there about half an hour before I needed to be. The department I was working in at that time was the switchboard and post room - there I was minding my own business reading my book and in waltzes this cute and very sexy electrician to change one of the lights. Now I must admit I wasn't attacted to him straight away - I was in a relationship with Mr P and very happy with him too. But this electrician used to wander past the windows of the switchboard room (it had those little mirrored stripes on the windows) and I could see him looking at me all the times he used to walk past. He was growing on me.....!!</p> <p>Mr C (the electrician) started to wait for me after work (the shop floor workers used to finish about three quarters of an hour before the office workers). He used to walk me to the station where we would board the train and go in separate directions. On a Friday we would go and spend our wages in Woolworths on records (oh yes, the days of vinyl) before starting outside the station for as long as we could get away with it; don't get me wrong - there was no kissing, cuddling or any funny business - we were just enjoying spending time with each other. One thing I can never forget was the look on his face when he found out I was only 16 - it was pure class!! He was 19 and thought I was the same age (obviously being 16 I was highly honoured that someone thought I was older than I was - now I slap them!). </p> <p>It was in the November that we first kissed. He had finished his training and was hauled down the pub; all the guys knew by that time we were friends (I think, looking back, they thought it was more lol) so I got invited too. After a couple of hours drinking he was definately 'happy' - he didn't want me to go back to work and kissed me. Passionately. Very passionately. Now I was pretty limited to my experiences at 16, and to be pashed by a 19 year old was well, it was luuuuuuuuush!!!! There was that bit of excitement that I was seeing someone and I'd been kissed by someone else.</p> <p>We didn't lunge straight into a 'relationship' or 'affair' to be fair. I fell pregnant by Mr P in the following February (totally unplanned and the result of failed contraception I might add!) - but that was a real time of changes. My parents firmly believed in getting married before having sex so I knew I was in for a bit of a problem. I went to the doctors to look into having a termination although it wasn't something I really believed in doing. My mother went to the doctors to pick up a prescription and was given a termination form by the receptionist for me - what a real uncool way of them finding out I was pregnant. I got some real grief for it. Now my parents were very middle class - no benefits or anything. I had no idea of the benefit system, how things worked - my dad told me that if I had the baby I would have to go and live in a childrens home, and yes, I believed him. I wasn't allowed to contact Mr P (obviously nobody had inventd the mobile then!!). It was a complete frigging shambles. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/17/some-of-the-history-4599819/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/17/some-of-the-history-4599819/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/title-4594228/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-15:/2008/08/15/title-4594228/Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:11:39 +0200 <p>Had a day of painting yesterday spending the majority of the day stuck in the bedroom with the local radio station and what seemed like a growing expanse of wood needing three coats of cream paint. And the real sucker?? I scratched it in several places when I put the drawers back in the frames - so now I need to paint the whole friggin' lot again but in gloss. Urgh! My room is gonna look like a throw-back to the seventies. The OH has chosen a nice chocolate brown theme (get me a bucket puuuuuuuurlease).</p> <p>So anyways, the radio is on and they are going on and on about the A level results - why is it that I get all choked up about things like that? Seriously, I can cry at anything. But you have to sit here and wonder whether its because your pleased that the kids passed, or whether its because you feel like its something you missed out on. I got stuck on a YTS scheme in the '80s. I was told I hadn't worked hard enough at school to go to college and do A levels. Stupid thing is that I've almost finished a degree - and yet i feel like I've still achieved absolutely sod all. Part of me wants to go to work when I finish next year - but the OH thinks I should be staying at home; part of me wants to go to uni and do a post-grad course for a year but I get filled with terror that I might not pass. The last part of me wants to stay at home and do another degree!! Trouble is I think that may just be an 'avoidance' choice. It saves any arguments all round.</p> <p>Thanks for the comments on my first posting - I'm liking the 'if people don't like it they can eff off' that's what I call my kind of thinking!! I'm sort of hoping that by writing down just some of the stuff drifting round my head I may be able to sleep at night because my brain would be able to shut down LOL. I'm going to be brain dead by the time bedtime comes tonight the OH has got the Blues Brothers on (he's asleep I might add!!) - if I turn it over to Friends the bugger will wake up. Arrrrgh!!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/title-4594228/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/title-4594228/#commentshttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/where-do-i-start-on-one-of-these-things--4583552/tag:bored-housewife.blog.co.uk,2008-08-13:/2008/08/13/where-do-i-start-on-one-of-these-things--4583552/Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:30:30 +0200 <p>I suppose everyone has had the same question going through their mind really though haven't they? Do I write about myself? How I feel? What I want? I suppose it will all come out at some point! You don't know just how lucky you are - you have the chance to get a look inside my head! For free!! I can't give you any guarantees that I'm normal - because I must admit I scare myself sometimes, but then I look at some of the other people out there and the way they live their lives and I think 'what the f**k was I worried about?'.</p> <p>I think I sort of see this as a kind of counselling. You sort of rabbit on and on and on - and at some point you kind of see what the whole point of all the whinging was for. Or at least that's how it worked when I last sat in front of some wimpy hippy looking woman with a handshake that was akin to holding a wet lettuce leaf.</p> <p>As today has gone, its been fairly boring and uneventful. The kids are on their summer holidays - but the weather is shite so we're a bit restricted as to what we can do and where we can go. Hence I've been stuck indoors doing housework - what sort of god-forsaken moron invented that then? I have washed the laundry basket - now I mean, how freaking sad have you got to be to wash a laundry basket? I just know that I don't want to be sat here in another five years doing the same brain-dead stuff. I hate it. I want some excitement. I watch some of these programmes on the TV - I'd love to go on an expedition across the North Pole, go bug-hunting in the jungle or explore some volcanoes. Something that you would never, ever forget til the day you died. Maybe I've been brain-washed into not being able to leave my kids to do something like flying over the other side of the world for a bit of adventure. But hey, who am I kidding? I can't even get my husband to go out anywhere other than the pub.</p> <p>Maybe an affair would liven things up but I don't know; I quite like my husband (when he's behaving himself LOL). I do feel sorry for the guy - I can't be the easiest person to put up with, but I did warn him before he married me; he had enough warning!!</p> <p>I'm thinking maybe I should go and make a coffee, tidy up a bit. Back to the boredom......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/where-do-i-start-on-one-of-these-things--4583552/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://bored-housewife.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/where-do-i-start-on-one-of-these-things--4583552/#comments